ANDI WEEK ONE

creepster

JA: There’s nothing like a Bachelor/ette season premiere. The sense of possibility in the air is undeniable… until Chris Harrison opens the show talking about the guy who died. Now every time we see him, we’re going to know he died. Sigh.

SA: This is v. sad, but guys it's a new season and esss going to be...okay.

Question: is this opening segment showing Andi quitting her job? Like full-on quitting it? Why is she packing up her office? Was her job like, “We’re happy for you, but we can’t just stop prosecuting gangs because you’re going on a reality show, so we’re gonna need your office space, thanks”?

Ya, and she said, "I'm leaving behind a great career" so basically...they were like, um, we humored your going on a reality show once but that shit is not gonna fly twice. Unlike many of the other bachelorettes, Andi had and is leaving a real career and so the stakes are possible a little higher for her. Are they going to have to start calling her a "former assistant district attorney" because then she would be better matched with the "former MLB player" on whom she seems so keen.

I liked the convo with Andi’s sister where they reset us right off the bat. Andi is clearly not Juan Pablo; she will be doing a healthy amount of kissing with no weirdness or judgment.

Ah, yes. The time-honored tradition of the skinny suit parade, in which 25 indistinguishable men in shrunken blazers traipse into and out of cars. In other words, exactly what it looks like at lunchtime at CAA. (Industry humor! Zing!) 

This group of Bozos was so indistinguishable to me that I actually had to watch parts of this episode twice. Even the second time in I was having a hard time keeping all the brunette Kens apart.

My highlights:

Cody, the personal trainer from Chicago who felt it necessary to flip up the collar on his blazer. I don’t know about you, Fia, but I definitely got the douche chills with this guy. He’s gonna be the troublemaker of this season. There’s a little bit of Mikey, a little bit of Kaylon, a whole lot of drama.

Ugh. This guy was the worst, I bet he smells like Axe body spray and winterfresh gum. Gross. 

What is a “pantsapreneur”?

Dunno, but oddly he managed to make it through to round 2.

Tasos scored a bunch of points with that gimmicky thing with the lock and the key and the fountain. I feel like this is like any job interview, where you’re supposed to do something charming and not creepy that makes you stand out. (Put a pin in “creepy”... we’ll be coming back to that when we talk about Chris from Emily’s season.)

But whenever a girl says, "that was adorable" after a guy walks away as if she's talking about her best friend's new goldendoodle, it's not necessarily  a good sign.

I thought Andi was massively flirty with Mr. Stoked and Rad, the California guy with the floppy mop of hair. Which is why I was shocked to see him eliminated.

Anal with an M.

Where did that lamp come from, Brett? Did you really steal it from the hotel? That’s weird.

And here we have another weirdo who made it through to round two.

Do we just need an opera singer every season? Like, is that a thing from now on?

Notice the difference between Sharleen who said, "um no, this is my real job, I am not singing for you" and this guy who is apparently an opera singer from Long Beach? And was trying to belt out notes while the other dudes held their ears.

Andrew, the social media marketer from Culver City, is clearly taking this season’s Drew slot, AKA the guy with super questionable heterosexuality. This was confirmed during the cocktail party, when he and Patrick made an intense love connection right before our very eyes. In two years’ time, when ABC does Andrew and Patrick’s gay wedding special, we will be able to say we were there when the sparks first flew.

Yes, with these two we got to see first hand that though they may not be there for Andi, they are def there for the 'right reasons' if this show is all about finding love. 

When Eric got out of the limo, I got sad. Because I know he’s dead. (Also, why is someone from the Bachelor family dying every season?) I almost looked away from the screen when he gave her those cute dolls. All I could think is that I wonder where those dolls are now. It’s all too sad and too real.

I also think he makes it quite far, like maybe even hometowns far - why else would ABC have considered canceling the season?

Andi is shaping up to be an incredibly self-aware Bachelorette. When she was talking to Josh M, she was very clear that he’s the type of guy she would normally go for… and that might be why she’s still single.

I’m sorry… did Marquel literally give Andi a black and white cookie? #junglefever #subtle (But to Marquel’s credit, he did cash in on the fact that the way to Andi’s heart is to feed her inner fat girl.)

Now Eric’s back. This is a strange emotional roller coaster I’m on with this episode. Okay, so I did a little research on his organization, Global Odyssey (http://gowitheric.com/world-travel-record/eric-jonathan-hill/) and I’m very ambivalent. I love travel and adventure and the spirit behind the idea that we’re all global citizens, but visiting EVERY country and encouraging people to do so seems ridiculously irresponsible. Afghanistan? Syria? North Korea? No. But I guess none of that is relevant because he died in a paragliding accident in Utah, of all places. I get that ABC owns the footage, but I don’t know how I’m supposed to watch any of Andi and Eric’s courtship through this season.

And then there was Chris Bukowski. I would first like to remind our readers that WE CALLED THIS CRAZY two years ago, Fia:

From Monday, July 2, 2012, when Emily finally sent Chris B packing:

Fia: Chris didn't see this coming, he's the only one. Also he's getting really agressive with her, which also reminds me of my Polish landlord when I see him yelling at people on the phone.

Josh: OH this is awkward. Is someone ready to intervene in case Chris gets angry and smashes things, like Emily’s collarbone?

Yup. Called it. First of all, do NOT mess with Chris Harrison. I love very few things more than I love watching Chris Harrison go into older brother/protector mode with the Bachelorettes. “The only thing that happens from here is that it gets BAD.” (Subtext: “Please let it get bad, Chris Bukowski. We have several large security men who would love nothing more than to clothesline you on camera.”)

But really, what was that?? Did Crazy Chris actually think this stunt was gonna work? I guess he did, since it worked for Kacie B during Sean’s season. But anyone whose behavior is modeled after Kacie B “Ben’s Season” needs help.

First off, J, your dramaturgical research of our back posts is extraordinary. Secondly, does Chris forget what a jackass he was on bachelor pad and how he played, manipulated and disrespected every girl on that show? Obvi that's the kinda shit they want to go down on BP, but on the more family oriented 'bachelor/ette' that kind of behavior is not tolerated. Even if Andi had wanted him in the house, CH would have blocked it. Because when before when a desperate former contestant (KB, that weird girl from Ben's season) has wanted in the mansion have they been stopped at the gate? 

http://www.usmagazine.com/entertainment/news/bachelorette-crasher-chris-bukowski-explains-attempt-to-meet-andi-2014205

That Facebook pic of his? I’m sure when he took that picture with those roses, he thought it was sexy or endearing. But it’s just. Creepy. And his tweet about how he should have gone through the back entrance was SO not a joke. He’s one of the more terrifying people to ever grace this show. As for Chris Harrison, here’s what he had to say: “Part of me was secretly hoping he would make a run for it and try to get into the house — that wouldn’t have ended well, but it would have made for an interesting night.” Gotta love CH.

Did anyone else feel bad for urgent care doctor Jason, who upon being eliminated said, “Not going back to a whole lot.” And Josh B’s drunken rant was pretty good too. Where do you think he wandered off to?

I LOVED Josh B's drunken rant. I think they should bring him back. 

Sorry for the delay on putting this up. Hope to be more prompt with the next round.