THE FINALE: SEAN AND CATHERINE

SA: Sorry for my delay, dear Josh and friends...let's get into it...

JA: I can’t believe I’m about to give three hours of my life to this.

We begin with more shots of Sean walking around the resort, wheeling his bag around, setting his bag down on a table…and ohmygod it’s the tiny little girl with the play house bigger than our apartments. So first she gets an enormous house just for hertoys and then she gets to go to THAILAND?!?!? Color me jealous. I do, however, like the fact that the kids are laughing their asses off about Emily not picking Sean. The toddlers clearly understand how ridiculous this all is.

And…it’s Catherine first. (Sean, put some shoes on.) Catherine is giving some great answers to the family’s questions. And look at her posture. ALL BUSINESS. Girl, you’re not being interviewed for a job at Google. Maybe she’s just super nervous? Or maybe it’s sinking in that the online Bachelor application she filled out drunk one night has led all the way to her maybe being proposed to by a tomato-faced Ken doll in Thailand???

Catherine has been super nervous this whole time...like more than "I might be humiliated on national TV" nervous. She is legit, "I might have to marry this person I hardly know" nervous - because you know in the Lowe house (unlike in the ahem, Maynard, house) they don't look kindly on broken engagements.

When Sean’s dad started to ask Catherine if she “believed in…” I was actually thinking he was gonna ask her if she believed in her Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. No joke. Also. I think Sean’s dad is in love with Catherine. Maybe that’s the twist Chris Harrison was teasing in the beginning. Sean AND his dad find love in Thailand!!! (Hey Sean, how bout those shoes? Put ‘em on.)

This speech Sean's dad gave to Catherine I actually thought was quite emotional. I even turned to Tess and said, "Sean's dad for the next bachelor?" At this point I think Catherine is more in love with the idea of being a member of this family then she is with Sean - it happens all the time in the real world. Nice we are seeing new layers on the Bachelor.

And now Lindsay! Finally, Lindsay hit that sweet spot of wasted where she’s drunk enough to be funny and charming but not so drunk that she’s losing consciousness. Lindsay’s also saying all the right drinking game words like “compromise” and “prayer.” I’m convincing myself that she’s an alcoholic, because the thought that she just talks like that normally is disturbing. I’m sorry. What’s that, Sean’s Dad? You prayed for Sean’s wife from the day he was born??? Maybe this is because I’m not living a “heteronormative lifestyle,” and I’m not surprised about this coming from a Texan minister, but to be praying for your son’s wife from the day he’s born is 1) creepy, and 2) suuuuuper presumptuous. And then here comes Sean’s Mom with more drinking game words like “open” and “values.” And Lindsay’s crying. Again. (But seriously, Sean. Are you on an ashram? Put some shoes on.)

Come on Sean's dad. It was obvious you thought C was super cool, you don't have to say nice things to Lindsay just to be fair. And please, please, please stop talking about praying for a baby's wife. Also, I'm not buying Lindsay's faith. I'm pretty sure that's just what she thinks Sean wants to hear and that when she's 'talking to God' she really talking to nice, chilled glass of white making baby faces.

Lindsay and Sean. On a boat. Listen to Sean, rattling off his Wikipedia knowledge about Myanmar and Thailand! I didn’t like, though, how surprised Lindsay seemed to learn that it’s possible for two countries to be separated by a river. But it’s fine, though, because Sean says he can picture Lindsay being a “hot old chick.” I really don’t think I’ve ever seen a more intellectually compatible pair of people. Like, ever.

Watching Sean and Lindsay is so boring, which is precisely the reason they should have ended up together. This is a marriage that would LAST.

I also love how Lindsay put her hair up and put on what is clearly a Freakum Dress (see Beyoncé circa 2006 for a definition) and Sean shows up in another pastel T-shirt from Target.

Which is sadly, bad news for dear, sweet Linds - she's putting way more into it at this point than he is.

And then an elephant charges out of the bushes, and…it’s Catherine and Sean’s ride. Catherine’s much more excited about the elephant than she is about Sean. Can’t say I blame her. And good for her for coming right out and calling out Sean’s contractual obligation to be an emotional douchebag to all of the women before the very end. She’s being really inarticulate here, though. This girl is a BALL of nerves and sadness and frustration, which is convincing me that this is getting real. I actually really feel for her, because I think it’s sinking in for her how serious this shit is, and Lindsay is probably off somewhere doing Jell-O shots (which I do two of every time Sean says “vulnerable”). Side note: can we live-tweet from the audience of the live finale next season? That’s going straight to the top of my bucket list.

We are definitely watching ATFR live next year. Or at least WTA. But back to business...when Catherine said, wiping tears away, "I mean whatever, he's probably crazy about both of us at this point!" I just liked her so much more. How often do these ladies even acknowledge there is another woman right across the resort, also expecting a proposal. Props, Catherine for keeping your head on straight. If the fact that this polygamist mind fuck is making you think you might need a white room with padded walls - don't worry, that means it's working!

It’s Decision Day, and Sean has been left to rub himself down. What the hell, ABC? On the most important day of his life, he has to grease himself? We have not seen the fine work of Grease Girl since what, Week FOUR?!? Where. Is. Grease Girl?

The economy must really be in the shitter if the grease girl was released before the finale. Poor Sean. 

Oh, shit just got REAL. Neil Lane is here. Ring is picked. Girls are coiffed. Who picked these dresses? Are they putting these girls in lamé? Are the girls heading off to model the lovely prizes on The Price Is Right?? And now, to kill time, we ask the runners-up what they think. I’m fast-forwarding to the final rose…sorry. As this is coming up, I hate that I’m feeling suspense. I hate ABC for doing this to me. My heart is actually beating faster. What is wrong with me????

Oh. Oh. Here comes Lindsay. Is it clear now that Catherine wrote that letter? OH SNAP!!! The dump heard ‘round the world!!! If Lindsay were smart, she’d pull an Arie, who regained all the power with his “Fuck you, Em, you’re not getting the goodbye you want.” Instead, Lindsay is being a normal 24-year-old girl and asking “Is it me? Am I the reason you don’t want me?” Well, simply put, Lindsay…yes. And NOW Sean says he loves her. What a knife twist. My favorite part, though? On her way back to the car, she was quick to take off those Forever 21 heels, wasn’t she? Oh, this car confessional is NOT pretty. Come straight to my apartment, Linds. I’ve got some Taylor Swift CDs, a box of Franzia Chillable Red, and two bags of Milano cookies waiting for us. We’ll wash that man right outta your hair.

Sean wins the award this year for cruelest break ups in bachelor history...do not tell the girl you're dumping that you love her, that is cold. It will not make Lindsay feel better about this, nor will it make Catherine feel good when she watches this back...This breakup is sad because I think most of these chicks are just fooled by the subtle manipulation of the circumstance and producers. When they get home they have no feelings for Sean whatsoever (including Catherine were she sent home). But I'm pretty sure Lindsay actually was in love with him. She put in her application for grease girl long ago and it was just massively rejected.

HERE COMES THE CATHERINE LETTER. YES!!! Biracial babies!!! I love knowing that the girl has won before she has. This is so great, especially for Sean’s dad, who can also spend the rest of his life telling Catherine he loves her too. I’m fast-forwarding through After the Final Rose, and Lindsay’s not over it. She’s definitely not over it. This “news” they have better be good news if I’m still sitting here through all this. If the news is just that ABC is gonna do their wedding, I’m gonna be upset. (Update: that’s exactly what the news is.)  I will say this, though: they need to create an Emmy for Best Vamping. Because nobody vamps like Chris Harrison. He knows how to stretch thirty seconds’ worth of conversation topics into a 25-minute segment.

BEST VAMPING INDEED. Where was Chris Harrison when the lights went out at the Super Bowl? 

On another note -- was this the most boring season yet or what? (I've only watched three seasons so....) I mean if we can for a moment flashback to Jemily. Though they made it merely three months...that finale f'in rocked. That intense Ari goodbye where he basically flipped her the bird. Jef's mormon mom who had previously refused to meet Em showing up at the end, Arie's love journal that she refused to open because we all knew she wasn't totally over it, that photo montage set to the song from Karate Kid! I mean, come on...we were all following Jef on Instagram and checking for the Good Morning America Updates after that. This year Catherine and Sean sit there light bumps on a log and then are quickly ushered off stage so Desiree can start her Bachelorette press tour...

Another season behind us, Fia. Now we have to go back to writing much less meaningful things (seriously, though…more people have read this blog than have read anything else I’ve ever written). Des’s Bachelorette season this summer promises to be epic. Until then, my dear…

xo