kaitlyn // week six

Death becomes her.

Josh Allen: Tonight’s drinking game word is “chemistry.” Also, when Nick tells Kaitlyn, “I want to know every part of you,” just finish the whole goddamn bottle of wine.

First, we get to relive Ian voicing his opinion that everyone here is “on a vacation from life.” Unlike Ian, who is here for all the #rightreasons. This is so gross but it is fascinating television. He keeps saying over and over how he was expecting to meet a girl who was “crying from heartbreak.” What is his obsession with seeing Kaitlyn cry? The worst of it is that Kaitlyn played right into it, admitting that she is “not as deep” as Ian is. Kaitlyn, gurl, you must get better at recognizing when someone is just looking for their TV moment. Ian’s a psycho and he is most assuredly horrible in bed. He’s a 98% less hot, 215% less charismatic version of Patrick Bateman.

Sofia Alvarez: I was quite please / surprised that Kaitlyn did not hug Ian when he left. Too often on this show, the lead feels obligated to hug whatever douche bag just insulted her on his way out, and this was a welcome change. Let your body language reflect how you're really feeling, girl! More on that later, though.

AHHH! Ian's exit interview is so good. "If I were the bachelor, they'd be coming out of the woodwork." I love when the guys get say why they really came on the show in their exit interviews - looking at you, Ben from Des' season.

Okay, re: Ian and this who thing. Obviously, he has a screw loose or something but overall, I think the men have been way harsher on Kaitlyn this season than the men have been on past bachelorettes. But, I also think this is, depressingly, a result of the type of woman Kaitlyn is - modern, not a shrinking violet, crude etc. I could not imagine any man on this franchise talking to Desiree or Emily Maynard, the way these guys think they can talk to Kaitlyn. Dudes - you need to respect, whether the girl makes fart jokes or not.

These boys are hopeless. After Ian leaves in a huff, Nick is the one who thinks to go check on her? Shows the advantage that a season’s worth of Bachelorette experience can give you.

Even when he was a rookie, Nick knew how to play the game. Of course you should go check on the girl instead of talking to the other dudes about what just happened. Like, of course! Get it together, guys. You're giving these wins to Nick.

Okay, what is it with Kaitlyn and movie quotes? How many guys this season have mentioned that either in a rant (Ian, Kupah) or a tender moment (Nick, everyone else) as something that's important to her? Is quoting movies all these people do when the cameras are off?

Nick looks quite uncomfortable having this conversation on camera. He and Kaitlyn both keep looking over to it. This seems to be the only time, Nick has used "bachelor speak" in his relash with K. But, more on that later.

I was so happy to see Cupcake and his valet jacket get a rose tonight. (good thing you didn't have to pull that tooth, cupcake!) Also loved the Alamo-themed battle music for this ceremony. Someone in Post had fun with that. On the other hand, I am sad to see Joshua go home the same week that Kaitlyn made him look like a chemo patient with those clippers. They couldn’t have done that exit interview in the car? They had to do it within earshot of the Dublin celebrations? Cruel.

It's always so mean when they hear them cheer, but it's especially mean to do it to sweet, simple Joshua.

I love hearing all the guys gush about Ireland… “and oh yeah, I guess it would be cool to hang out with Kaitlyn too. But, uh, DUBLIN, tho.”

Meanwhile, this Nick date reminds me of Juan Pablo and Sharleen. No activities. No hot-air balloons. No extreme sports. Just walking around a city and making out against walls. Nick’s hands are all over her and they’re wearing Celtic wedding rings and day-drinking whiskey. Uh-oh. And did you catch that very sexy lip-biting move? Everyone at the bar must love that drunk tourist couple with their tongues down each other’s throats. These two are getting wasted and are definitely not eating their dinner.

I find it very telling that when they sat down at this bar, Kaitlyn drank whiskey because that's what Nick was having. First of all, Nick loves himself some whiskey. He learned it from Andi's dad and he's sticking to it. Secondly, we know that K is a white wine girl, she talks about it all the time and it's the only thing we've seen her drink with other dudes all season. This tells me that Kaitlyn wants Nick to think that she's cool, and that she doesn't have that "you might be my potential husband" comfort with him.

I’m glad that we were correct about predicting who would be the one to bone Kaitlyn. Nick may be a software salesman, but he’s proven time and again that he’s just as comfortable using his hardware. Hey-o! (He does kiss like a 10th-grader, though. He keeps doing that lip-biting thing, which is further proof that his older brother once told him it was something “girls really like.”) The intercutting between the sex and that awkward Jared-Shawn conversation was nothing short of masterful.

My friend Marika says that allowing Nick on the bachelor, post sexting in the real world, is cheating (have I talked about this before? I can't remember). Anyway, I have to say that I really agree with her. I think there is no way K would have let her guard down this much, with a dude she only had "bachelorette-type" interactions with. Nick and Kaitlyn never use the language of the show and they appear to bond over mocking the process at every turn. Nothing against it - the way they interact feels real in a way we rarely (if ever) see on this show, but it still gives him an unfair advantage over the other men who have to play by the rules. Take last week's "so how's yr first group date going?" wink to Nick and this week's placement of the rose. There was no "i think you're great and opening up" speech that preceded it, in fact, she didn't even ask him. They both just knew at some point they had to do this stupid thing, she picked up the rose, said the line she was contractually obligated to say while rolling her eyes and he responded with, "oh you're going to keep me around for awhile?" So yes, I have to agree with Marika. This is cheating at the bachelor, this is not the way it's supposed to work!

Of course, the problem with having sex with Nick, as Andi found out live in front of millions of people, is that Nick can’t keep his mouth shut. Notice how, with each retelling of his story, the couch time goes from “we talked some more” to “it was intimate and personal,” euphemisms that even a block of cheese could correctly interpret as “we went through half a bottle of K-Y.”

At this point, we are basically watching porn and I feel bad for Nick and Kaitlyn. Did we really need to hear her moan? Did we really need subtitles to catch the "I want to know every part of you line?" I think not. K's parents are watching, ABC. Have a little respect. We would still know they had sex if you just cut it off at closing the door.

I can’t with this group date. I can’t with that awful limerick. I dunno, J. I thought that Tanner's poem highlighting the fact he and K have no relationship to speak of, and that he's just filler was pretty baller. In my eyes, he just earned himself a spot in paradise. I can’t with any of this. “Let’s pretend Kaitlyn’s dead” (yes, so weird) is one of the weirder group activities, but I did laugh out loud when Shawn was like, “it’s too bad you killed yourself, but I would’ve too if I had to spend a whole day with Nick.” Shawn throwing shade in all the right places.

Jared is actually very sweet. I wish his facial hair could grow in more evenly (it’s more like facial schmutz at this point), but he seems really genuine, so I’m happy about the rose he got. I also loved that he made fun of her terrible laugh. And that none of the guys are pretending that they like it. Also, The Cranberries are a band I’ve actually heard of, and they played a song I actually knew, so there’s that.

I've always wondered if the lead had better taste in music if we would get better bands. This points towards that theory. I love the cranberries. This was awesome.

Shawn, on the other hand, is an interesting contestant case study. He clearly feels that Kaitlyn is his girlfriend (I HATE when Bachelorette contestants say that) and so is a little too jealous for my tastes when she spends time with other guys. And here he is, at a group date party, busting out family photos, which is a desperate move. He must really think he’s slipping to the back of the herd. I am not unsympathetic to that, but then again, did he not know what he was signing up for? If your parents’ divorce gave you severe trust issues, maybe don’t stake your emotional well-being on a process in which you have to watch your “girlfriend” date and probably bang other dudes. Other dudes who are also your roommates.

I feel for Shawn, because instead of blowing up at her, he is really trying to still make their time count, which is honorable. But then, he is still blowing up at producers. I think you are right, J. Shawn does not have the temperament for this show. I don't like how jealous he is and I don't think it bodes well for a possible real world relationship between these two. You know K is the kind of girl who has guy friends and you don't want yr bf always threatening to fight them.

Next week: shit hits all kinds of fans. And Cupcake sobs by the sea.

Can't wait!