FINALE!

who's cuter? 

SA: Hey, guys. This is so late. Usually the fire under my ass to get these things up is mainly to hear what my beloved co-blogger thinks of any given episode. But, miracle or miracles, we watched the finale together! This means that I didn't have to wait under I got an email saying his notes were in a draft to hear all of those delightful quips and snarks. I was hearing them in REAL TIME. I'm not trying to make you all jealous, but it was pretty magical.

That said, we were having so much fun eating pizza, drinking rosé and giggling like school girls that neither one of us took notes. Whoops!

Here is my super condensed take on the events:

I get that they want to make for an exciting finale and that these shows are specifically edited to try and trick viewers. That said, this was too much of a trick for my taste. Part of the fun of watching the bachelor/ette is becoming invested in the love story. This season the editing did so much to convince us that Nick was the one, my enthusiasm for #shawnnkaitlyn was seriously lagging. That joy she radiated after pinning the final rose on her very own personal trainer? Where were those shots during the season? I want my money back.

Also, Nick. Poor Nick. What is it about him that makes women fall hard, but ultimately decide their eggs are not safe in his basket? This guy has now been the bachelorette's second choice two years in a row, add to that his broken engagement prior to going on this show and damn, dude is primed for a mental breakdown. Is there something seriously dark about Nick underneath all those prayer bracelets? Would love to get his ex-fiancé in a bar for a pow-wow.

So, that's all I've got. I will be watching (but not blogging) paradise. See you in January where we are all sure to fall even more in love with Ben H.

xoxo

kaitlyn // week nine

This is Ben H... holding a baby. If you need us, text our ghosts, because we're dead.

Sofia Alvarez: I still haven't watched this week's bach (I know sacrelig.) I was out on Monday and caught the last half hour. It was enough to see most Nick's hometown, and all of Shawn's. Since we've known this was a two-horse race for week's now, I just don't think I need to go back and watch K pretend to like Ben H. for an hour. Ima let you take it away, Josh. (Should have done this days ago...)

Josh Allen: Tonight’s drinking game phrase is “eskimo brothers,” mainly because I had to ask the internet what that means. Apparently, it just means two dudes who have had sex with the same woman. According to Urban Dictionary:

Origin: Because of the cold in the far north, Eskimo hospitality extends to sharing of beds and female companionship. A visitor is considered a brother.

The more you know…

Ben H can do absolutely no wrong, but put him on a horse and it’s GAME OVER. And dumbass Kaitlyn continues to say things like “hanging out with Ben is so easy and so nice,” which are things I’ve said about all my lady co-workers. Doesn’t mean I wanna marry any of them. I think Kaitlyn truly cared about Ben, though, and wanted him to have the best chance possible of being the next Bachelor, so she took him as far as she could in the competition. It’s kind of sweet, honestly, and it shows that Kaitlyn is thinking about the fans.

Of course, Ben H gets sent home. Part of me is sad but another part of me knew this had to happen if he is to be the next Bachelor. You could even tell in her interview with Chris Harrison when Kaitlyn said, “He’s gonna make a great husband…” The end of that sentence was clearly “...for someone else.”

I enjoyed watching Kaitlyn and Shawn golf. I think these two have the best all-around chemistry, as long as Shawn can drop the whole Chris Bukowski possessive thing. It seems to be freaking her out. She used the word “intense,” and not in a good way.

This Shawn v Nick thing is getting super old. You can tell the producers are prodding Kaitlyn to keep stoking the conflict between them. Note that Kaitlyn never told Ben H that she’d had sex with Nick. She only told the guy who has sworn to be Nick’s mortal enemy. These confrontations between Shawn and Nick are becoming forced.

Nick’s hometown visit was stressful. This show stresses out Nick’s entire family. Even little Bella is cracking under the stress. Note that only about three members of Nick’s insanely huge family attended this hometown visit, and they all just came down to Kaitlyn’s hotel because no way in hell were they inviting another Bachelorette into their house. I had actually forgotten until I saw Bella again that Nick has 300 brothers and sisters. I honestly don’t know how I’d feel about having an 8-year-old sister-in-law.

Nick's mom's tears are so real. She has no idea what her son is doing on this show again. She desperately wants Kaitlyn to be her new DIL, because if she isn't, it means her son will be #2 again and is headed for MASSIVE MENTAL BREAKDOWN.

So, is there some reason these hometown visits are all happening in Best Westerns, next door to insurance sales conventions?

Just another part of Kaitlyn's "punishment" from ABC for playing by her own rules. Perhaps the finale will take place at a water park w screaming children all around.

I really have nothing to say about Shawn’s hometown visit. I nodded off once or twice, actually. And (duh), Shawn is in love with Kaitlyn. 

Shawn's hometown was, eh, I dunno. I am over Shawn. Either of these men are going to be devastated. Let's get to it already.

Is it bad that I am not invested in this outcome? Like, I just want it to be January already so I can see Ben H every week?

http://www.eonline.com/news/675913/ben-higgins-has-been-chosen-as-the-next-bachelor

And Josh, do not forget about #paradise !

kaitlyn // week eight

  

Mmmm... boy tears.

Sofia Alvarez: Even though he's my favorite, the one-on-one with Ben H. is pretty boring. We all know that this is a two-horse race. As fast as they try to speed us through the other men, we can't help but to roll our eyes. We all know, that unless Shawn and Nick kill one another in combat, there is no way any of these other dudes are taking home the final rose. Don't sweat it, Ben H. you're odds are looking good for #bachelor. Also, #calledit.

Josh Allen: You did, in fact, call it. You are basically the Joe Biden of Bachelor Nation. Yeah, there's no way on earth Ben H wins. But as I've said before, if Ben H is revealed to be the next Bachelor, it might be too late by then for me to join the house, but I will certainly show up to The Women Tell All in drag and just slip in with the rest of the ladies. I bet you no one notices. 

Also, tonight's drinking game word is "time." Everyone's desperate to get "time" with Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn is upset about the "time" she spent with Nick in her bed. I also love how K just keeps cancelling cocktail parties left and right. She comes into the room like, "I've already had plenty of free wine in my hotel room, so I'm ready to hand out some roses. Mmkaythanx"

What producer is such a big fan of hide and seek? Unless it's within the content of babysitting a child, no adult has ever chosen to play this game voluntary. I guess this is the lazy producers go-to activity for dates with 0% chemistry. See Andi and Chris on multiple occasions.

Kaitlyn to Ben H.: You are lovable, I just don't love you.

I did LOVE Kaitlyn's face after Ben H. told her they would, "talk all night" in the fantasy suite. She was like, "Honey, the only reason I would keep you in to get some of that sweet, sweet Ben H. loving. If I'm gonna spend six months engaged to Shawn and his red face, I need to go in with some reserves in the spank bank."

I also love that she asked him if he was a virgin. Kaitlyn literally says whatever is on her mind and I love that about her. Get all your questions out now sweet cheeks.

So agreed. The crazy thing is that I wouldn't have been completely gobsmacked if he had admitted to being a virgin. But after the hot pile of drama that was made out of Becca's virginity, I kind of can't deal with any talk of "waiting until marriage." 

In classic Bachelor fashion, Kaitlyn takes the two guys who are locks for overnights + the filler guy on the group date. At this point in the process, one-on-ones are reserved for those you are deciding between. In this case - who would I rather have sex with and send home in the same week: Ben H or Jared?

I would rather bang Ben H, but there's no way I could send him home afterward. I therefore vote for a Fantasy Suite night with Jared. I don't find Jared attractive in the least, but he seems like he's got a fun sense of humor, so we could definitely play a rousing game of Parcheesi until I got drunk enough that his looks didn't matter.

I don't really understand how upset Joe was at Kaitlyn after being rejected. Joe could have used a lil bit of Tanner's self-awareness. Joe, buddy, there was no way you were into those drawers. Have you seen the chemistry between K&S, K&N, K and every other guy here who is not you? She literally cringes when he kisses her. I mean, Joe, let's be real - you've never gotten a one-on-one date, you are done, son! In the best worst exit line of the season, after walking away, sans hug, Joe quips - "what do I do now?" I guess they couldn't get that white loser van close enough to the park for his liking.

Joe was never ever ever going to win. I can't believe he even got this far. You could tell from Kaitlyn's body language during that awkward bench chat that this was the end of it. I honestly thought Kaitlyn was going to pull a Chris Soules last week and just send JJ and Joe home at once. I never understood why she kept Joe around for one more go-round. I could see if she was being kind and wanted him to be able to see another nice destination, but they are STILL IN IRELAND.

I feel bad for Kaitlyn that the producers are forcing her to tell Shawn she had sex with Nick, mere hours before she is contractually obligated to have sex with Nick again. What is the point of this? To see if that blood vessel in Shawn's forehead actually bursts?

This is where I take serious issue with these Bachelor producers. (Yes, this is apparently where I draw the line. You can see how long a leash I give these producers.) Turning Kaitlyn into the Whore of Babylon is a desperate move, especially considering that they effectively structured the entire season around the "event" of her sex with Nick and subsequent slut-shaming. She didn't even seem that drunk to me when she decided to do it. It seemed like it took several long conversations with Bachelor staff to break her down to the point where she was convinced she was a woman of loose morals. But this Cersei Lannister Walk of Shame is on a whole new level. Making her tell Shawn serves no purpose other than to make Shawn hate Nick even more than he already did.

You've gotta hand it to him that he handles it pretty well in the moment, before raging out later in the episode, after he's had time to sleep on it, and the blood vessel's had some time to rest.

Yeah, I never found Shawn that attractive to begin with, but all this roid rage over Kaitlyn banging another dude (or even looking at other dudes) is annoying. I love, though, that Kaitlyn held her ground and was like, "I want to explore relationships with other people. I really shouldn't have said that thing I said to you in San Antonio. That was shitty of me. But I'm not sending everyone home three weeks early."

And then, in the most surprising twist of the episode - Jared, Jared, the one-and-only rat face is sent home. I was blindsided by this. BLINDSIDED. I realize others might not care about this as much as I do. Jared v Ben is the equivalent of the world cup game the 3rd and 4th place teams are forced to play after they've already lost in the semi-finals. IE, who really cares at this point. But, come on, guys. JARED! I know it's an impossibility at this point, but if Kaitlyn ever had a shot at a lasting marriage with any of these men, it was with Jared! They have a fun, easy chemistry and unlike the others, she seems wholly comfortable with him. He doesn't make her nervous in the right wrong way. He makes fun of her. She's into his rat face.

Here's what I think: knowing neither Ben H or Jared would last another week, the producers urged K to keep Ben because he's a more viable candidate for bachelor and they want him around longer.

I completely agree with your assessment. Jared was never going to be Bachelor. He's too niche. Ben H has a broader appeal. He's taller, better-looking (sorryboutit, Jared), and would wear heartbreak like a custom glove. As for Kaitlyn, I think she's thinking about who she wants to be her boyfriend now, not who she wants to be her husband later, which I suppose is one strategy. Isn't Jared going to paradise, though?

Later in the episode, Kaitlyn and Nick do something that makes her skin look amazing and eat Canadian bacon. Shawn continues to rage as the blood vessel hangs on by a fucking thread.

On to next week, when Shawn will definitely ask Kaitlyn if his peen is bigger than Nick's.

Can't wait. I mean, we only have evidence from how happy Nick is making these ladies in bed, but I'm willing to take bets. 

PS No offense to Canadians, but on this one occasion, I have to side with one Nick Viall: you can't call it bacon if it's ham. That's confusing.

kaitlyn // week seven

Goodbye, Cupcake. We hardly knew you.

Josh Allen: Tonight’s drinking game word is “reassure.” Or “mistake.” Actually, “mistake” sounds like it’s going to be the drinking game word every week from now on.

Hometowns are supposed to be next week and there are still NINE dudes. There’s going to have to be some sort of Red Wedding this week, right?

Technically, in old school bachelor land - hometowns are in two weeks, it's only because we are in these weird mash-up episodes that it seems so close. But yes, there is currently a lot of dead wood circling K. The thing I did love about this ambush is that it's proof you eat AFTER the dates. And the fish laid out at every sweetheart table is just a prop.

Okay, I tried to give Shawn the benefit of the doubt because he seemed to have genuine feelings for K-Dogg and because he’s the poor man’s Ryan Gosling (like, the really poor man). But this hotel room ambush is not cool. He asks her point blank, “Are you in love with me? Yes or no?” She clearly wants him to stay but she makes it clear that he has to decide whether he can handle watching her date other guys. And it’s a very hard decision since after their talk, Shawn sat outside for what appeared to be twelve straight hours. Gotta be honest -- he’s starting to annoy the hell out of me. What did he expect her to do with all these hotel room visits? Did he want her to just send every other guy home and end the season three episodes early? Had he already sat down with Neil Lane and picked out a ring? Yeah. Didn’t think so. Shawn, you’re on a television show. If you didn’t want to deal with this insane process, then you should have just downloaded Tinder and gone on a bunch of awful first dates at Thai restaurants like the rest of us.

I agree completely. I know we are in fantasy land here but, my god, is this is a preview of the life with Shawn to come: get. out. now. I can already see Kaitlyn coming home late from dance class, a bi-sexual fellow chorus member on her arm. They are laughing in K's signature way as the guy regales her with a dating story from his weekend. Shawn watching through the window - holding his signature Guinness, steaming. Kaitlyn, jokingly, smacks her friend on the ass, then he hers. Shawn busts through the door and KILLS THE MAN. Kaitlyn starts to cry, "he's gay! Shawn, he's gay!" Shawn hulks out, "I don't care, no one touches my woman."

And now it’s JJ vs. Joe. I absolutely love two-on-ones. The pressure of direct competition usually makes people insane and forces them to deploy their craziest stories of personal trauma. Usually. This was the fastest, most boring two-on-one in history. Like, I don’t even think they finished that one glass of rosé.

Kaitlyn on Joe: "Joe is a real treat." This is what you say about someone whose genitals you have no interest in ever seeing.

Joe seems like a perfectly nice, sweet earnest guy. He doesn’t seem to have much in the way of a sense of humor, though. Like, I could never imagine him making JJ’s corny Bono-U2 joke. Joe also had no personal confession of infidelity to make Kaitlyn feel like their relationship had “progressed.” But in the end, JJ has a daughter. Oh, and he’s in love with Clint. Kaitlyn decided that it was therefore best for JJ to just go away.

I do feel bad for Joe that he thinks he's falling in love with Kaitlyn when they've never even spoken. I hope this raises his stock in Kentucky and he finds a nice, pretty girl when he goes home. I think I've said this before, but Joe is like the really nice guy you sit next to in science class. You don't want to date him yourself, but you're always trying to convince your single friends that they should.

This was also the longest, most drawn-out cocktail party/rose ceremony. I’m pretty sure Kaitlyn had no idea Tanner was still there. I feel bad for Ben Z, though. I’m not sure why Kaitlyn booted him over someone whose nickname is Cupcake.

I love that Tanner, knowing he was going home and not caring, was just watching the drama play out like the rest of us. I think he even said, "I can't wait to see what happens between Nick and Shawn." Me too, buddy, me too. Also, when she sends him home, they don't even interview him. Tanner, you did it right - made some friends, did some traveling, now, maybe, you'll get to go to paradise. I do feel bad for Ben Z. though, how did Cupcake make it longer?

Okay, Kaitlyn and Jared’s road trip is pretty adorable. I think I giggled. #newfrontrunner

I liked it too. I like how comfortable they are with one-another. I like that he makes fun of her. I regret having referred to him as rat face for the first have of the season. But, I don't think he makes it further than top three. Which is a shame because I think that K&J might possibly have the best long-term potential.

In another game-changing bombshell, Chris Harrison announced that only three guys will survive this week and go on Overnights… in Ireland. I’m used to Overnights happening in tropical locations, i.e. sunburnt sex with sand still lodged between your toes. This is a huge move on the producers’ part. Or it’s budget cuts.

It really seemed like Chris Harrison was punishing Kaitlyn with this. I thought it was because she had sex with Nick already and now they were trying to force her to have sex with everyone else, which I hated. But Sharleen Joynt makes the point in her recap, that they are actually punishing her for sneaking out to visit Shawn a couple of weeks ago. Many leads have talked, post-season, about how they're are really only two or three guys you're into and everyone else is just filler. No lead, whether you like it or not, has made that more apparent than K. But I think we should still go through with hometowns, Shawn is acting like such a little bitch, that he might just implode. And I would have loved to see Ben H's fam, which we are obviously, now, not going to get to do. Overnights will be Shawn, Nick and Jared and then Jared goes home. It's a damn shame, but that has to be what's happening.

This one-on-one with Cupcake filled me with a heavy sense of dread from the very beginning, especially since I know it will end with Cupcake bawling on a sea cliff. Kind of reminds me of when Chris Soules left Kelsey and Kim Kardashleyan to wander the South Dakota wilderness. There is no romance whatsoever to this date. They should be huddled close, making out as the sun sets over the Irish Sea (that’s what I’m looking at, right? The Irish Sea?). But instead, Cupcake’s trying to convince Kaitlyn that she’s just scared. We’ve all been there with someone who checks off all our boxes. I mean, Cupcake is a very handsome, seemingly very sweet gay dentist from Nashville. What’s not to love?

I hated how he was trying to blame it on her. I saw a rotten side of cupcake here. Um, honey, just because she doesn't want you, doesn't mean she's not ready. Pretty sure based on this exit interview, Cupcake was a wolf in baked good's clothing all along.

P.S. Is this a thing now? Every season a contestant has to be abandoned by a helicopter and then have a complete nervous breakdown while a producer awkwardly stands 18 inches away? That girl was SO close to him.

P.P.S. Next week, ABC apparently makes Kaitlyn confesses her Nick sex to every single guy over and over and everyone cries. #shame

Do you think that nun with the bell from GoT is avail?

kaitlyn // week six

Death becomes her.

Josh Allen: Tonight’s drinking game word is “chemistry.” Also, when Nick tells Kaitlyn, “I want to know every part of you,” just finish the whole goddamn bottle of wine.

First, we get to relive Ian voicing his opinion that everyone here is “on a vacation from life.” Unlike Ian, who is here for all the #rightreasons. This is so gross but it is fascinating television. He keeps saying over and over how he was expecting to meet a girl who was “crying from heartbreak.” What is his obsession with seeing Kaitlyn cry? The worst of it is that Kaitlyn played right into it, admitting that she is “not as deep” as Ian is. Kaitlyn, gurl, you must get better at recognizing when someone is just looking for their TV moment. Ian’s a psycho and he is most assuredly horrible in bed. He’s a 98% less hot, 215% less charismatic version of Patrick Bateman.

Sofia Alvarez: I was quite please / surprised that Kaitlyn did not hug Ian when he left. Too often on this show, the lead feels obligated to hug whatever douche bag just insulted her on his way out, and this was a welcome change. Let your body language reflect how you're really feeling, girl! More on that later, though.

AHHH! Ian's exit interview is so good. "If I were the bachelor, they'd be coming out of the woodwork." I love when the guys get say why they really came on the show in their exit interviews - looking at you, Ben from Des' season.

Okay, re: Ian and this who thing. Obviously, he has a screw loose or something but overall, I think the men have been way harsher on Kaitlyn this season than the men have been on past bachelorettes. But, I also think this is, depressingly, a result of the type of woman Kaitlyn is - modern, not a shrinking violet, crude etc. I could not imagine any man on this franchise talking to Desiree or Emily Maynard, the way these guys think they can talk to Kaitlyn. Dudes - you need to respect, whether the girl makes fart jokes or not.

These boys are hopeless. After Ian leaves in a huff, Nick is the one who thinks to go check on her? Shows the advantage that a season’s worth of Bachelorette experience can give you.

Even when he was a rookie, Nick knew how to play the game. Of course you should go check on the girl instead of talking to the other dudes about what just happened. Like, of course! Get it together, guys. You're giving these wins to Nick.

Okay, what is it with Kaitlyn and movie quotes? How many guys this season have mentioned that either in a rant (Ian, Kupah) or a tender moment (Nick, everyone else) as something that's important to her? Is quoting movies all these people do when the cameras are off?

Nick looks quite uncomfortable having this conversation on camera. He and Kaitlyn both keep looking over to it. This seems to be the only time, Nick has used "bachelor speak" in his relash with K. But, more on that later.

I was so happy to see Cupcake and his valet jacket get a rose tonight. (good thing you didn't have to pull that tooth, cupcake!) Also loved the Alamo-themed battle music for this ceremony. Someone in Post had fun with that. On the other hand, I am sad to see Joshua go home the same week that Kaitlyn made him look like a chemo patient with those clippers. They couldn’t have done that exit interview in the car? They had to do it within earshot of the Dublin celebrations? Cruel.

It's always so mean when they hear them cheer, but it's especially mean to do it to sweet, simple Joshua.

I love hearing all the guys gush about Ireland… “and oh yeah, I guess it would be cool to hang out with Kaitlyn too. But, uh, DUBLIN, tho.”

Meanwhile, this Nick date reminds me of Juan Pablo and Sharleen. No activities. No hot-air balloons. No extreme sports. Just walking around a city and making out against walls. Nick’s hands are all over her and they’re wearing Celtic wedding rings and day-drinking whiskey. Uh-oh. And did you catch that very sexy lip-biting move? Everyone at the bar must love that drunk tourist couple with their tongues down each other’s throats. These two are getting wasted and are definitely not eating their dinner.

I find it very telling that when they sat down at this bar, Kaitlyn drank whiskey because that's what Nick was having. First of all, Nick loves himself some whiskey. He learned it from Andi's dad and he's sticking to it. Secondly, we know that K is a white wine girl, she talks about it all the time and it's the only thing we've seen her drink with other dudes all season. This tells me that Kaitlyn wants Nick to think that she's cool, and that she doesn't have that "you might be my potential husband" comfort with him.

I’m glad that we were correct about predicting who would be the one to bone Kaitlyn. Nick may be a software salesman, but he’s proven time and again that he’s just as comfortable using his hardware. Hey-o! (He does kiss like a 10th-grader, though. He keeps doing that lip-biting thing, which is further proof that his older brother once told him it was something “girls really like.”) The intercutting between the sex and that awkward Jared-Shawn conversation was nothing short of masterful.

My friend Marika says that allowing Nick on the bachelor, post sexting in the real world, is cheating (have I talked about this before? I can't remember). Anyway, I have to say that I really agree with her. I think there is no way K would have let her guard down this much, with a dude she only had "bachelorette-type" interactions with. Nick and Kaitlyn never use the language of the show and they appear to bond over mocking the process at every turn. Nothing against it - the way they interact feels real in a way we rarely (if ever) see on this show, but it still gives him an unfair advantage over the other men who have to play by the rules. Take last week's "so how's yr first group date going?" wink to Nick and this week's placement of the rose. There was no "i think you're great and opening up" speech that preceded it, in fact, she didn't even ask him. They both just knew at some point they had to do this stupid thing, she picked up the rose, said the line she was contractually obligated to say while rolling her eyes and he responded with, "oh you're going to keep me around for awhile?" So yes, I have to agree with Marika. This is cheating at the bachelor, this is not the way it's supposed to work!

Of course, the problem with having sex with Nick, as Andi found out live in front of millions of people, is that Nick can’t keep his mouth shut. Notice how, with each retelling of his story, the couch time goes from “we talked some more” to “it was intimate and personal,” euphemisms that even a block of cheese could correctly interpret as “we went through half a bottle of K-Y.”

At this point, we are basically watching porn and I feel bad for Nick and Kaitlyn. Did we really need to hear her moan? Did we really need subtitles to catch the "I want to know every part of you line?" I think not. K's parents are watching, ABC. Have a little respect. We would still know they had sex if you just cut it off at closing the door.

I can’t with this group date. I can’t with that awful limerick. I dunno, J. I thought that Tanner's poem highlighting the fact he and K have no relationship to speak of, and that he's just filler was pretty baller. In my eyes, he just earned himself a spot in paradise. I can’t with any of this. “Let’s pretend Kaitlyn’s dead” (yes, so weird) is one of the weirder group activities, but I did laugh out loud when Shawn was like, “it’s too bad you killed yourself, but I would’ve too if I had to spend a whole day with Nick.” Shawn throwing shade in all the right places.

Jared is actually very sweet. I wish his facial hair could grow in more evenly (it’s more like facial schmutz at this point), but he seems really genuine, so I’m happy about the rose he got. I also loved that he made fun of her terrible laugh. And that none of the guys are pretending that they like it. Also, The Cranberries are a band I’ve actually heard of, and they played a song I actually knew, so there’s that.

I've always wondered if the lead had better taste in music if we would get better bands. This points towards that theory. I love the cranberries. This was awesome.

Shawn, on the other hand, is an interesting contestant case study. He clearly feels that Kaitlyn is his girlfriend (I HATE when Bachelorette contestants say that) and so is a little too jealous for my tastes when she spends time with other guys. And here he is, at a group date party, busting out family photos, which is a desperate move. He must really think he’s slipping to the back of the herd. I am not unsympathetic to that, but then again, did he not know what he was signing up for? If your parents’ divorce gave you severe trust issues, maybe don’t stake your emotional well-being on a process in which you have to watch your “girlfriend” date and probably bang other dudes. Other dudes who are also your roommates.

I feel for Shawn, because instead of blowing up at her, he is really trying to still make their time count, which is honorable. But then, he is still blowing up at producers. I think you are right, J. Shawn does not have the temperament for this show. I don't like how jealous he is and I don't think it bodes well for a possible real world relationship between these two. You know K is the kind of girl who has guy friends and you don't want yr bf always threatening to fight them.

Next week: shit hits all kinds of fans. And Cupcake sobs by the sea.

Can't wait!

kaitlyn // week five

My name is Ian and my brow is furrowed. Because I'm interesting.

Josh Allen: Tonight’s drinking game word is most definitely, as my friend and colleague Attica Locke pointed out, “connection.” So many of the guys have talked about the genuine connection they’re building with Kaitlyn, and I’m excited to see which one of them makes a genital connection with her next week.

We left off with Nick Viall’s dramatic return to living out of a suitcase with at least a dozen meatheads. No one is feeling Nick at all, and the producers have dramatized this visually by seating all 14 bros on the same side of the room. In a particularly shady moment, Tanner calls out Nick’s recent get-together with Andi. Fia, any intel on what went down in THAT meeting?

Sofia Alvarez: These guys are throwing so much shade at Nick. And I get it, I do. I'm sure if I were a contestant on the bachelor and some chick from last season came waltzing back in, I, too would have some closed door bathroom gossiping to do. But at this point, guys, he's in the house. Can someone at least be polite? Can someone defy the producers and go sit next to him on that couch? Come on boys, play nice. Kaitlyn probably only likes three of you anyway.

Here’s my thing about Nick: he says he hates rose ceremonies and cocktail parties, but he could have avoided all that, especially since he already had contact with Kaitlyn before she was the Bachelorette. Or do we think that by the time they connected, she had already signed on for the season, and so the only way he could talk to her was with cameras rolling?

Yes, my opinion is biased because we all know last season I was Nick's #1 fan. But, it is crazy that I buy his logic. They had some steamy texts. She was chosen as Bachelorette. We all know Kaitlyn's dream was to be famous (that's not slander, she references it almost every episode: Broadway is my dream, comedy is my dream, dancing is my dream.) So, I understand that she would not have thrown away the opp to be bachelorette to roll the dice with some random dude after a few texts. Therefore, I think this was the only way he could meet her / try to date her. Also, being on this show is a drug. The love feels different here. Also--and I know this is the beef many have with Nick--he keeps saying the right thing. The "you had your chance" logic some of the other contestants throw in his face makes no sense. Sure, if Andi had pulled a Brad and was back for round 2, yes, okay, Nick had his chance. But it's a different person! Nick is in the right on this one. I'm over him as my boyfriend (I am all Ben H. now and forever) but if he wants to make it work with K, I say go for it. More Ben H for me.

Did Josh have brain surgery during this episode? Why is half of his head shaved?

Speaking of rose ceremonies, why is this one happening outside at Citi Field in the middle of what appears to be November? Although, like a proper future Bachelor in Paradise cast member, JJ makes the most of it and carries Kaitlyn around the bases. These two have virtually no romantic connection (mainly because JJ probably still has a boner for Clint), but JJ makes for great bro-ey television.

It is so fucking cold on that field. I was in NYC this winter and I can tell you for sure that those men are freezing. This looks a lot like torture to me. I hope they all have heating pads in their shoes. Why couldn't they put coats on for this? You can pin a rose to a coat, just as easily as you can to a suit jacket. So everyone looks like they are dying except the 50-year-old investment banker who has an odd calm about him. Further proving that he is a robot. I am sad that he's going home, especially after he dropped those sick beats in the rap battle. But at least since he lives in NYC, ABC can save on his air fare. Do you think they made him subway home from CitiField?

Shawn has declared Nick, "he who can not be named."

Ben H gets a date involving a pickup truck and honky-tonk dancing. Fia, I recall the moment you decided he was your Bachelor boyfriend. Because now you’re going to have to fight me for him. Is “Quick Quick Slow Slow” an actual song? Or just a way to remind Ben and Kaitlyn of the dance moves? Anyway, after they’re mercifully removed from the dancing competition, it’s time for Ben to reveal his personal trauma. Can anyone break down Ben H’s word salad about his ex-fiancée? Apparently, whatever he said counted as “opening up” but I still have no idea what he was talking about. But who cares? Look at those dimples.

I love this date. I love Ben H. (Hands off, Josh. I called him back in week two, I was so early on the Ben H. train that I tweeted at him back when he only had 1,000 followers! he didn't respond, but still...) I also think that Ben's resistance to open up, seemed a lot more like a resistance to open up on camera than it did to open up to Kaitlyn. I am also a little concerned that my only two bachelor crushes of all time are both software salesman. I mean, that's not a popular job, is it? Should Adam be concerned if I were ever to meet a software salesman? Are software salesman my type?!?

Behind the scenes realness. Here is a text convo between me and Josh on our mutual love for Ben H.--

I can’t with this mariachi group date. That 12-year-old was awesome, though. Can he become the wise-cracking younger brother on some new ABC sitcom? The other thing I learned from this group date is that you can’t say the word “erection” on ABC primetime. Thanks, Nick.

Calling, Modern Family, I think you just found your solution to the seventh season slump! (JK, I don't know if MF is in the 7th season, or if they are in a slump, I just wanted to write that. I hope you all read it in the cheezeballz voice it was intended.)

Of course, it wouldn’t be a group date unless at least one of the guys spent his precious one-on-one time bitching about other contestants. The guy in question this week is Joshua, who says his “male intuition” (which is not a thing) tells him that Nick’s not to be trusted. But I have a hard time listening to anything he says after Kaitlyn butchered his hair. As a matter of fact, I’m now pretty sure that Kaitlyn had a grand mal seizure halfway through that haircut. Josh and his half-hawk pull Kaitlyn into an old chapel and, instead of MAKING OUT, they talk about Nick like a couple of imbeciles. These contestants never learn. Shit-talking a fellow contestant never ever EVER works in your favor. It should have come as no surprise that when Josh went back into the common room and expected the other guys to back him up, they all threw him under the bus. “Mad about Nick?!? What do you mean? I’m just here for Kaitlyn. Connection connection right reasons chemistry looking for love right reasons right reasons.” Poor Joshua.

I worry Josh is in over his head here. He's just a simple welder. Leave him alone. He's not making it much further anyway, can't we just let him enjoy his final days? Also, glad I got an answer to my brain surgery question.

I won’t say much about Shawn’s one-on-one date other than that car accident he described sounded terrible. Is this the personal trauma story he told the producers as part of his audition? If so, it’s incredibly effective because it is actual literal trauma. A near-death experience is much more harrowing than being cheated on by an ex-girlfriend.

The first half of this Shawn date was pretty boring. Whatever, whatever, he'll probably win, whatever. I got pretty invested when he revealed his car accident though, mainly because the story was sad as hell and did not seem rehearsed at all. I'm curious about Kaitlyn's enthusiasm. There's a rumor floating around the tabloids that Shawn wins the season. But, rarely do they let us see this much enthusiasm for the winner this early. Usually, it's to throw us off the scent. (Cough, Des and Brooks, cough).

I have so many questions about Nick and Ian's talk. First, why is Nick wearing so many prayer beads as bracelets? (I am starting to have embarrassment re: Nick the way you to when an ex starts getting super weird. Like, has he gotten weirded since my crush dissipated? Or is it that because I am now so happy w Ben H that I can finally see the weirdness that was there all along?) Second, what producer decided that Nick was the best contestant to have this heart to heart with Ian? Do these two even know one another? Was everyone else taking a shit or something?

But then, BUT THEN, Ian happened. My first reaction to Ian being down in the dumps this whole episode was to issue some tough love. If you don’t feel like the Bachelor/ette is giving you enough attention, I thought to myself, then take action. Find her in her hotel room. Make a pimp move. Break the rules. That never backfires. But instead of doing that, Ian decides to throw some insane temper tantrum about how Kaitlyn isn’t interesting because she doesn’t seem sufficiently interested  in him. And who wouldn’t be interested in Ian? He is, according to him, a Princeton grad and former model who cheated death and has been around the world twice. And let’s not forget this brilliant self-assessment:

“I am an enigma. Who I am is a gift that you unwrap for life.” --Ian

Actually, Ian, who you are is a self-professed 28-year-old whose hairline and jowls suggest that you’re somewhere north of 40. I’m sure ABC is sorry they couldn’t find a Bachelorette who’s not even “half as hot” as your ex-girlfriend was, in your words, but hey, at least you gave it a shot. Because you are the last vaguely beige contestant this season (RIP Jonathan, who was here for Britt anyway), I had high hopes that you would go a little farther. But alas, here you are, going home in… 12th place? A bit too low in the standings to qualify to be the next Bachelor. And besides, even if you’d stayed longer, there’s no way you’d be the next Bachelor. You have about as much charm and charisma as a pile of old rags. You make Farmer Chris Soules look like the Dos Equis guy.

One of my friends/colleagues has a theory that they case Ian to be the first black bachelor. But he really shit the bed on that one. Sorry, Ian. You are toast!

Next week, Kaitlyn bones. And the Slut Shame Express officially leaves the station.

kaitlyn // week four

THIS guy is back... and he's coming for you, K-Dogg...

Josh Allen: “That tie goes really good with your shirt” has to go down in history as one of the best breakup lines in Bachelorette history. The only thing is, it was a breakup between two guys. As any student of the Bachelor/ette franchise knows, the real relationships on the show are between the contestants. Whether or not the JJ-Clint bromance was at all real (and people have written extensively on this), it made for riveting television, as did JJ’s subsequent emotional breakdown. We’ve watched these two men find a connection neither of them thought was possible (and that confused even Chris Harrison), but when faced with the choice between standing up for Clint and throwing him under the bus, JJ chose to betray his boo thang, and now has to live with the consequences.

Spoiler alert: the consequences are a free trip to New York. (Kudos to Tanner for his line about Bro-back Mountain becoming Bro-back Volcano. I’d like to think that line was not fed to him by a producer. 

Sofia Alvarez: I liked the "you're a dick" algebraic formulas Tanner was spouting. Tanner and Kaitlyn have no connection, but he had a good week for screen time. I also always love the "loser van" that pulls up for contestants eliminated pre-rose ceremony. The producers think Clint (and Koopah) are a pieces of shit, and they want everyone at airport drop-off to know it!

JA: All told, I’m happy for Kaitlyn that she saw through Clint the Meathead Manipulator. I would say I am going to miss him, but Nick V is on his way into the house, so I’m not that upset.

SA: There's something about how easily Clint lies to Kaitlyn that creeps the shit out of me. I've talked extensively with one of my friends at work about who is the shadier guy: Clint or Nick. I'm #teamnick, always have been. To me, he seems very upfront. He's confidant and goes after what he wants. Yes, he's selfish, but that is the least of bachelor crimes. I think the main reason people don't like him is because he really doesn't seem to care if they like him or not. JJ must have happily shit himself when Kaitlyn announced Nick would join the house. JJ is out of the hot seat and a new season villain has been crowned.

JA: Is it just me, or are Rose Ceremonies (or the lack thereof) becoming increasingly anticlimactic on this show? The most dramatic eliminations are happening randomly at cocktail parties. Did you see the looks on the guys’ faces when Kaitlyn said there was no Rose Ceremony?

SA: With this many dudes, I'm sure Kaitlyn doesn't see a connection with all of them and we probably could have gotten rid of some more dead wood. But, two guys did already leave this week. Since production had the correct amount of coach tickets to NYC - why make K stand in heels any longer than necessary. I think rose ceremonies are boring and was glad we got to skip.

JA: Britt and Brady are walking Ambien and I just can’t with them. At all. Does anyone care about Magenta and Scoop Neck becoming boyf and girlf? Like, anyone?

SA: Heard a rumor they were dating prior to the season. More likely, I think production stacked the deck with one "Britt winner" and one "Kaitlyn winner" on that first night. I'm sure Brady was prompted to go find her, and probably signed a new contract during the ride to her hotel. Had Britt won the vote, I bet Shawn would have run out into the night to find Kaitlyn and we'd be seeing the same boring shit between those two over the credits.

JA: I never in my life thought Doug E. Fresh would be leading a Bachelorette challenge, but I guess dreams do come true. The guys have to battle against each other with rhymes. Doug E. Fresh was real cute when he called that audience a “New York crowd.” The “New York crowd” ABC managed to find consists of the whitest possible group of tourists girls. #thuglife

SA: I think it's mean to make Jonathan compete in this rap challenge against all these whities. He's expected to be better than everyone else because of his blackness, which is racist. And then if he's not better it's doubly embarrassing. lose-lose.

JA: This is quite possibly the worst rap battle of all time. I don’t think we can actually use the words “rap” or “battle” to describe what went on. Maybe Jonathan gets points for rhyming “Florida” with “bored’a ya”? Maybe? Although I did enjoy Justin’s Alzheimer’s joke in his rhyme about The Notebook.

SA: Corey brought it in this challenge! Who knew that old investment banker had those skillz. And he was wearing that weird shirt? And that hat pulled down low. I saw a whole new side to this old man. I still wouldn't want to date him, but I would definitely be friends with him and invite him to dinner parties. He is the perfect amount of weirdo.

Also, the Justin "mole-pimple" group date rose was totally out of left field. I think she only gave it to him because he said that he was okay with Nick joining the house.

JA: Fia, I know you love Nick V, like til the end of time, but every time I look at him, the slime just drips off. There is no part of me that trusts him. If Nick was truly into Kaitlyn, and had the ability to fly to wherever she was, he would have done it already without cameras rolling or the promise of another world vacation. She said they’ve already “struck up a relationship over social media,” which means they sent one or two DMs on Twitter. My rose for the evening goes to Ashley (the kooky one, not Kardashleyan), who apparently styles hair in Alphabet City…? Anyway, she correctly pointed out that what Kaitlyn is feeling for Nick is probably just curious lust. I’m pretty confident Nick just wants to put his wiener in as many Bachelorettes as possible.

SA: I love Ashley S too. And was happy to see the real side of her. And yes, I agree Kaitlyn probably just wants to get jiggy with Nick. But she like, really wants to. You can tell how much she likes him because on her date with rat-face, she still wanted to talk about Nick. You know when you are bringing a dude up when they aren't around you are smitten as hell. Also, this Met date was way more high-end than usual. Getting to have dinner in the Met at night is a baller date. Do you think K is getting this star treatment because they saved so much money on Chris' Iowa dates?

Oh god, Jared, the poem. Please, I cannot take another season of poems! Nick has dried Kaitlyn's vajaje to any other guy. She used to get down with Jared, now she's bird pecking him.

I used to like Shawn but he is getting a little too intense too soon. Take it ez, Shawn.

JA: I agree about Shawn. He's getting a tad possessive. If he's not careful, he could approach Chris Bukowski territory. I can’t even concentrate on this dumb Broadway date. If Ian has “pipes,” then I’m Placido Domingo. I don’t even know why they forced these boys to sing a showtune when the walk-on role was literally a walk-on role. Is it because giving them any actual lines or performance would have forced them to join the union?

SA: Yeah, making them sing was just to humiliate them. Clearly they were only going to walk by a flower cart onstage. Those people paid good money for those tickets. Broadway is expensive as hell. Also, Cupcake wins this year's Drew from Des's season award for the contestant who is a full homosexual and not pretending otherwise. Do you think because we got a commercial for a Disney musical, we don't have to suffer through a commercial for a new Disney movie this season?

JA: I hope for the sake of my dreams that Cupcake Chris will say, though, that Chris looks good in his Aladdin getup. Chris is one of those boys that’s like a bag of kettle corn. You enjoy eating it, and it’s tasty, but when it’s over you feel like you’ve basically eaten nothing.

SA: This homeless plastic bucket drummer on the corner is a SAG-AFTRA actor. There is no way that same drummer has been there for the week they filmed in NYC.

JA: I won't player hate on anyone who's just trying to earn enough for health insurance.