ANDI WEEK 4: salty, salty

Mime your business

JA: Check you out, Chris Harrison, rocking your blazer and turtleneck in France. All I can think is how different this season is from Juan Pablo’s. Chris likes Andi so much he just had a totally meaningless, unnecessary gossip sesh with her.

I gotta say, Josh may be a playa pimp, but he and Andi make a great-looking couple. If he doesn’t screw this up, he could be around a long time. This date reminds me of Juan Pablo and Sharleen. No adventure sports. No goofy arts and crafts. Just them on a boat, making out. And sitting on a bench with cocktails. But I am waiting for Josh to pull out some serious trauma. I guess that’s what dinner is for.

SA: Okay I am still not buying the Josh M thing. She clearly really likes him, they both live in Atlanta etc etc but I just do not believe for a second that he hasn't "dated" in five years or that his last girlfriend made out with someone else bc she thought he was acting shady and he wasn't - Andi is right to be suspicious. One could say this is my own prejudice against athletes but I don't even know any athletes - this is my prejudice against guys who make everything they say sound like a line. 

That’s so clever that they made the mime date card blank. See what they did, guys? Because mimes don’t talk.

I thought that was pretty cute as far as date cards go.

Alright. So look. I’m black. I live to exploit white guilt. But at the same time, I’m having a hard time even believing that Andrew said “blackies.” Because no one says “blackies.” So either Andrew’s racism is as awkward and weird as everything else about him, or this is all part of some larger attempt on the show’s part to vilify him. But to what end? Even if Andrew did say that word (I can’t type it again; it’s just too ridiculous), JJ couldn’t have just decided on his own to choose this moment to rat Andrew out to Marquel. So, dear Bachelorette producers: were you that thin on story this week? Did you just have to give Marquel something to do?

This was uncomfortable and weird all around. I'm sure it's hard enough being the only minority in this frat but then to have the producers or the contestants or whoever highlight that by constructing a 'racism' b story is pretty icky. Because what is Marquel supposed to do? He has to bring it up. I think the way he handled it was mature and classy especially considering that in the midst of it he still managed to be the most charming and convincing mime in the group. A lesser man (like Cody) would have brought it up to Andi as 'house drama' and used the injustice of it to guilt another week out of her. Because even though it's ridiculous and Andrew may not have even said it,  referring to a black person as "blackie" is definitely worse than making fun of a tool (Cody) for being "thankful" to be on the show. Cody, however, used that tidbit from Nick to secure his bunk in Venice when the rest of us are wondering how he made it past night one.

As soon as Andi brought up being cheated on, I said to the TV, “This is when you talk about the time someone cheated on you, Josh. Even if you have to make it up.” And then he did. We should do tutorials with contestants on how to secure a one-on-one date rose. But they have GOT to stop with the private concerts. This shit is played out. It’s played out like Cyrtsal Pepsi. (Yes, I just made a Crystal Pepsi reference.)

These private concerts have got to go, but if anything they are becoming more frequent.

Corrections Department: sorryboutit, Farmer Chris, but there are mimes in Iowa:

http://www.aboutfacesentertainment.com/entertainers/mimes/l/united-states/iowa/central-iowa/

No excuses, Farmer Chris. Get in the game.

At least, as an American farmer, he knows there are farms in America (looking at you former nba dancer from last season) perhaps next season we can have a female mime from Iowa on the show.

I actually thought everyone did really well on this low-stakes mime date. Except for Nick. Nick has full-on refused to play the Group Date game. He also seems to be rejecting the forced bromances. This exchange says it all:

Patrick: It’s hard to know what you’re thinking sometimes.

Nick: Why do you care?

Nick’s got a great point. He’s also got some terrible lightning-round poetry that he can pull out when Andi starts to question their connection. Good on ya, Nick. But Andi still has to prove her point by giving the Group Date rose to JJ, whom she specifically praised for being a joiner.

My favorite line from the episode is when Andi said, "salty, salty Nick" and then they showed him in mime gear looking like a sad clown. She confronts him about it during their one-on-one time and he says if it had been just the two of them he would have been happy to mime, its the group setting that made him uncomfortable. This is a lie. Nick is never going to be happy to mime, and a group date is the only time he would ever be put in this position. I am of two minds about this - on one hand, these two get along great and seem like they could be a real world couple. In the real word you will never again be on a group date so why does it matter if you're good at them or not. On the other hand, let's use "group date" as a stand in for hanging out with Andi's friends instead of his, or going to her niece's christening or anything that he has to do but doesn't want to - will his MO always be to sulk in the corner? I think she was absolutely in the right to give JJ this one, even though they have zero chemistry and there's no way she'll ever pick him.

Miscellaneous Department: I’m going to re-introduce a question you raised before, Fia: how is Marcus only 25 years old? Or maybe Marcus is “25” the same way that Lorde is “17.”

And with that I give you this - http://blkdontcrack.tumblr.com/

Oh, and here comes Marquel confronting Andrew. I am so bored by Blackiegate. It’s too awkward and there’s no payoff. Let’s get back to the secret admirer letter. Who could have sent it? After dragging this out for weeks on end, this had better be good. OHMYGOSH WAS IT CHRIS HARRISON? I mean, obviously I know it’s not him. He’s like her big brother.

No, but seriously, who’s the letter from? WHAT IF IT’S FROM CHRIS BUKOWSKI? #bombshell #noseriously #checkforabomb #chrisbukowskihascrazyeyes

OMG Josh, you cracked the Da Vinci code, it has to be from Krazy Kris Bukowski #dyinghappy #anthrax

I’m a big fan of Brian, so I’m glad they finally got a one-on-one date. And no Bachelor/ette season would be complete without a little Disney/Touchstone cross-promotion. Because that worked so well with The Lone Ranger during Des’s season. Yeah. I said it. That movie was a floppity flop flop.

At least they get to watch it in this cute little theater, I think JP and Des were sitting on piles of hay. Also, the idea of watching a movie about cooking, going to a farmer's market and then cooking is a pretty cute and normal date. But Brian is really shitting the bed on this one.

I really wanted more from Brian with this cooking nonsense. Then again, it’s abundantly clear that Andi also hates cooking, so I’m not even sure why they’re doing this. I’m happy to see, though, that Brian has fully learned his lesson from not kissing Andi on the basketball court. Andi is definitely a lady who responds well to vigorous making out. As Rhett Butler said to Scarlett O’Hara (another Georgia girl), “You should be kissed and often.” Same goes for America’s favorite (former) gang prosecutor.

Side note: even though the unplanned stuff is usually planned too - I always love it on this show when they end up in real restaurants with other people around instead of at the awkward "sweetheart" table in an empty mansion.

Andi’s cocktail party bouffant is really intense. Is her purse in there? Oh. No. Her hair isn’t holding her purse. It’s holding her new sense of resolve. Three guys are going home tonight, and Andi already knows who. Damn, son. She ain’t playin.

I knew Patrick and Marquel (Andi’s “cookie monster”...aww) were headed home, but I honestly expected her to keep Andrew for a little longer for the sake of more manufactured drama. Also, what is the purpose of Cody? He has no physical connection with Andi, he’s terrible at bringing the drama, and he’s not even great comic relief.

This weekend I asked some friends what the hell Cody was still doing on this show and also mentioned that we see them making out in a teaser which is gross. My friend Laura said that Andi has to make out with him because when again in her life will she have the opportunity to make out with someone like Cody -- I understand this argument if you are checking off some sort of douche bag bucket list for laughs, but I still am reading for him to pack his bag and go. In the words of Jo-Jo, "Leave, Get out" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ggWyUEuGcWY

But even though Andi didn’t give him a rose, Patrick gets my “You’re Definitely At Least 72% Gay” rose for this gem of a departing quote: “I have heard from multiple people, not just girls, that I have qualities that are paramount when it comes to being a husband.”

NOT JUST GIRLS!!!!!!!

And that is why Andi set you free, Patrick. Here’s hoping ABC seats you next to Andrew so you can explore your connection on the long flight home.

ANDI WEEK 3.5 love and basketball

no conversations on a train

JA: All I have to say is, they had better be going to Dubai or someplace fancy and exotic later this season, because tonight we have to watch two whole hours at a casino in Connecticut.

I don’t know how to feel about this Dylan date. Riding a steam train is cool when you’re eight, but there’s no romance in it. And I’m not feeling any chemistry on this date. 

SA: None whatsoever. The silences are palpable. Are we in an Annie Baker play with these silences? 

The whole day is being built around this terrible traumatic story that Dylan is determined to tell. Anyone who has been watching The Bachelor/ette for a while knows that the timing of when you share your personal tragedy is always delicate. Too soon, and you look desperate. Too late, and you look… well, desperate.

The weird part is that she already knows he has a family trauma, she just doesn't know what it is. Usually the contestant tries to keep it light for the first half of the date then busts out the trauma at dinner. With Dylan, he's been meandering around the trauma all season and Andi has to basically say, 'out with it, already.'

But I guess it went well. Once again, Andi gives out the rose (and then says about seven hundred times that it’s not a pity rose). 

The lady doth protest too much said rose is not a pity rose, for all watching know tis a pity she's pinning the pity rose upon his chest. (sorry, guys, I'm sorry)

From Eric to Ron’s best friend to BOTH of Dylan’s siblings, this is the season of death death death.

As we go into the group date, I am struck by just how bro-ey everyone is. Like this may be the bro-iest group of Bachelorette contestants I’ve ever seen. They seem like they have actually become friends. Side note: is anyone taking Cody seriously? As a person?

Um, what way are we using the term 'bro' because if we are referring to male friendship then yes, I agree this is the season of the bromance. But if we are referring to a 'bag full of hammers' I ask you to refer to the crop of duds ABC found for Desiree last season.

Josh M's roids failed him and his team didn't win, losing them precious Andi time where he hoped to "pick up where they left off". If I recall where they left off was heavy petting. Josh then continues the sentence with..."giving her big hugs and kisses" so yeah, he was hoping to round third tonight. Sorry buddy, maybe at the rose ceremony.

In a move that surprises NO ONE, Brian gets that group rose date. The lesson here is that if you’re a guy on this show, you can be bad at goofy things like singing, but when it’s time to do an athletic challenge, you need to bring it. And Brian brought it. Except for when it was time to, you know, kiss the girl. I love how he asked right before his half-court shot, “What happens if I make this shot?” And then he didn’t do… anything. One thing Andi is NOT shy about is playing tonsil hockey. Get in there, guys.

Not just because he's my fav, but because he confidently held her ass in one hand and a drink in the other I was surprised Nick didn't get this group date rose. Yes, Brian made that half court shot but I thought his timidity in holding back from kissing her would have lost him the rose. I was happy he got it though because he seems like a genuinely nice person. Also guys, I know I am obsessed (and married) so need to stop this crush now, but did you hear Nick make a Ravens reference?? As if I needed more of a reason to favor him.

This Marcus date brings us our first rappel of the season. It’s not The Bachelor/ette until you’re on a first date dangling from a tall structure. ABC knows the truth: facing death is a surefire way to speed up intimacy. Andi was actually scared shitless, though. And I don’t blame her. What better way to reward Marcus for stepping up and being “the man” through this date than a serenade by our latest little-known music act, Jon Pardi.

Sorry but I could not be less interested in this Marcus date. Also, why do all these guys feel the need to tell her they haven't dated in "years". Marcus three years ago you were 22. You might not have had a serious gf since college but you've definitely been getting laid, so shut up. Also how do you know all the words to this song? Take it away, Josh...

Now, because I’m a spirited Googler, the first result when you look up Jon Pardi is this, which impressed me greatly:

http://pardipickupline.checkdincampaign.com/

After answering a series of questions (such as “Are you going to use this line on a guy or a girl?” and “Do you prefer beer or whiskey?” and “Will you be wearing a cowboy hat or a trucker hat?”), the system generated the following pick-up line for me:

“I may not be a genie, but I can make your dreams come true.”

I have issues with this line. My main issue is that genies grant wishes, not dreams, so this is kind of nonsense. But I quibble. Part of my responsibility as a single man who is clinging to the last few months of his 20s is to try out this line this weekend. I’ll report back with my findings. Thanks, Jon Pardi. You’re a real American.

My line is, "I thought happiness started with an H. Why does mine start with U." I quibble as well, because the letter U is written in place of "you" which would still have gotten the joke across. Also I don't want to twerk or line dance which were the only two options I was given to chose between for my favorite type of dancing. I think this line generator only works if you are a "douche" or a "hick". They seem to be the only answer options.

Is it just me, or when Andi says, “Marquel is just goofy and makes me laugh,” is she basically friend-zoning him? Like I don’t see them getting smoochy ever.

He even says flat out, "I don't know how long I'll be around" and she doesn't feel the need to disagree with him.

And then, there was Eric. What WAS that? This bit from Chris Harrison’s PopWatch blog only confuses me further:

“Eric was a smart guy and he was an instigator. He loved to stir the pot a little bit, and that’s what he did with Andi. When I saw that sly little smile slide across his face while arguing with Andi that night, I just laughed. Even in that moment, he was having fun. At the end of it all, they ended their disagreement with a hug goodbye.”

Now, since we have Juan Pablo’s whole season to go on, there is some precedent for Andi going from zero to pissed off in her dealings with men. Especially if they use a word or phrase she doesn’t like. Juan Pablo’s “ess okay” = Eric’s “acting.” It struck me as a conversation that didn’t have to get as cray cray looney tunes as it got. But I don’t know, it didn’t really feel all that fake to me. I’ve had conversations in real life that started out harmlessly and then spun out like that. And since I am someone whose own facial expressions are often misread by other people, I think Andi needs to own a little bit of that and not be so sensitive when someone says she has a “poker face.” Because sometimes? She does.

Ah yes, one need only remember Josh Allen's famous line reading of "That's a great show...for a tourist" when a classmate of ours said a family member was coming to NYC and they would be spending the evening on Bway at Billy Elliot. The ellipses and italics above are all mine, as that he how we heard it. My fellow blogger only meant to say it was a good, fun show with broad appeal. But it came out sounded oh so diva-y. I think Andi overreacted to the above. Obviously a lot of the show is fake and there are times you want to just hang out with your favorites, but you can't do that because it would be disrespectful to everyone and everyone needs a shot. I don't think Eric was trying to insult Andi. He was only describing to her the experience of being on the other side of it and feeling like he was giving a lot without getting very much back. Which is true and Andi might have said herself had she not felt attacked. 

Oh, and if anyone cares, Tasos also went home.

See you in two weeks, if you happen to be in NYC next Monday and want to see something on Bway during the hiatus week I'm sure Josh can tell you what's a good show for a tourist. 

ANDI WEEK 3 "motown philly back again"

butt touching is on

JA: I love Santa Barbara.

SA: We've found a new way to travel here in bachelor nation where this Santa Barbara resort only has to house our leading lady and the gents stay behind in the mansion traveling only for their date and sleeping in bunk beds still. Nicely played, ABC. 

Even before Andrew and Marcus’s gossipy chat, I thought to myself, “Wow, Nick’s going into this date kinda pessimistic.” For someone who won the first impression rose, he’s being remarkably Eeyore about the whole thing. Nick, stop talking like a normal person in the real world. This is the Bachelorette; you’re supposed to know you love Andi before you even meet her.

But then I realized maybe I was being too pessimistic. They seemed to actually connect on this date in a real way, not a forced TV way. I can’t decide if I find that refreshing or annoying.

SA: As a Sharleen and Brooks fan of seasons past, I'm always into it when a contestant is a little skeptical, it makes the bachelor/ette work harder. And whether or not you agree with the sentiment, this conversation about "deciding to be with someone" is, at the very least, a conversation I have not yet heard on this show. Anyone who can pull out some new lines from these tired old form stacks gets a gold star in my book. Also, Nick, like your jacket ;) 

Marcus, calm down. You didn’t get a one-on-one because you’re fine. After last week, Andi is definitely keeping you around for a while. Don’t get too intense, mmkay?

Week 3 is usually the week I start to notice everyone's age. I was surprised to learn Nick is 33 which makes his "all my friends are married" line more believable and sincere. We also learned that Marcus is only 25 (!) which is probably why he's so antsy and acting like such a little bitch, calm down indeed, Marcus #notafan (also can you tell I'm really into Nick this week, he's only getting compliments!)

OMG, it's BIIM!!!!!! 

“I’m pretty sure I touched my first butt to ‘I’ll Make Love to You.’” Oh, Eric. I'm pretty sure my butt was touched for this first time to this too. 

This is so painful watching these guys try to sing a Boyz II Men ballad. Like, I’m no singer by any stretch. But they took bad to a whole new level. The performance just wouldn’t stop. It kept going. The bad just went on and on. And Bradley, I’m glad you’re so full of yourself, but you, sir, are no Sharleen. And you are not getting the group date rose. The group date rose never goes to the person who is actually good at the group date activity. The point is to “take risks” and step out of your “comfort zone” (which was the evening’s drinking game phrase, by the way).

Okay, J, lemme know if you agree but by way of being a theater nerd I was under the impression that at least 1 in 5 people, if not a great singer, could at least passably sing a song, but no, no no that is not the case here - these men cannot even pretend to sing, not a one of them. Also can someone tell Bradley that just because you have a baritone and sing some opera sometimes it does not mean you can croon with B2M.

Could you imagine what would have happened if Andi has said as a joke “Guys are telling me you have a girlfriend” and Cody said “yeah, you’re right, I do have a girlfriend”?? Can we give Andi some acting props here, she really sold that. Remember when Desiree tried to trick Sean into believing she had a bf at home and it was the equivalent of that time January Jones hosted SNL (and don't even get my started on Des's Suave commercials) but Andi had Cody peeing in his pants. Nicely done.

Josh M is trouble. With a capital T. Right here in River City. She so clearly gets the vajingles from him. No conversation, no deep exploration of each other’s pasts, just “I like you” and a bunch of making out. Oh, and a group date rose. Marcus, again, calm down. You’re not gonna win two group date roses in a row. Whenever Josh M comes on screen I just think, #trouble, she even called him full of it right before a near horizontal make out sesh. This song should play whenever he comes onscreen. Andi knows it, and soon she's gonna be lying on the cold hard ground. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vNoKguSdy4Y&list=RDvNoKguSdy4Y#t=115

The old married couple date was fun, but why were Andi and JJ doing the creepiest old person voices ever? Like, don’t you have grandparents? Don’t you know no human being of any age sounds like that? Andi has yet to send anyone home from a one-on-one. And I don’t think that’ll change in this episode.

JJ is the guy who the bachelorette likes hanging out with as is able to have fun with but will never, ever pick. He'll probably make it into final 6 but then he's done. You have to keep some friend zone guys around to do silly stuff with in between making out with #trouble (Josh M) and being smitten over #toocoolforschool (Nick)

Poor Ron. Is this the season of death??

MY GRANDMA LOVES WERTHER’S!! Mine too!

When Dylan started talking, I had no idea who he was. And Dylan, as terrible as this story is, you need to be saving it for Andi. I don’t know why I’m watching you tell this story to someone else. Unless, of course, the relationship we’re supposed to invest in is the one between you and Farmer Chris.

Dylan the person you need to be telling that story too is a therapist. It is horrible, I feel for you and yes, you need some healing, but I'm not sure you are gonna find that on ABC.

This cocktail party is where stuff starts to get real. Bonus points to Nick for cockblocking with those flowers. Bonus points to Andrew for getting the waitress’s number at that restaurant. If no one goes to tell Andi about it now, she’s gonna keep Andrew around for another week...which is exactly what happened.

Rose ceremony flowers, nicely played, Nick. Nicely played. Also, when Eric said he felt their chemistry was waning from that first date, I kind of have to agree with him. Though I hate even dissecting his place in the competition. Seems so unfair. Ugh. Eric. :( 

Shit is sooooo gonna hit the fan when Andi finds out she sent Bradley and Brett home in favor of someone who got another girl’s number. It’s gonna be like during Emily’s season when Kaylon called her daughter “baggage.”

Ummmmm, since when are the bach contestants allowed to go out to dinner? #WTF 

I felt so bad for Bradley when he got sent home. But to be honest, I was surprised when he made it through Week 2’s rose ceremony. #justsayin

Can you believe we get another full episode tonight? #blessed