sean: week eight FANTASY SUITE

don't F*** with me 

JA: OVERNIGHT DATES!!!! I wanna go on an overnight date with Sean. I bet he’s fun in a pillow fight.

SA: I tried to watch this last night and fell asleep during Lindsay's date. Was I this bored when it got down to three last season? The only thing I took away from this date was feeling like I can't take much more of Lindsay's voice (and please god don't let her be the next bachelorette), that I'd like to go to a monkey beach in Thailand, and that it doesn't matter how crazy the ladies are if the bachelor is this boring. Maybe Sean and Linds just have no chemistry? Someone get Lindsay as drunk as she was in the first episode or let's spend more time with the monkeys.

Oh, Lindsay. You’re starting to bore me. Then again, Sean has bored me since I first saw him in May 2012, so I guess it’s fitting. ABC-sponsored dates with Sean are such a roll of the dice. Either you’re getting earrings bought for you on your hooker date, or you’re forced to climb a rock like you’re trapped in 127 Hours, or you’re having a picnic in a blizzard, or you’re eating grasshoppers. So at dinner, Linds, let's turn this around. Who cares how afraid you are to tell him you love him? Put up or shut up, Army Brat. (Also, is there a girl who’s like the opposite of the Grease Girl? Cuz Sean’s getting awfully shiny at dinner, even shinier than normal.)

What heartbreak!! The moment came and she didn’t say it!!! This is just like that part in My Best Friend’s Wedding (one of my top 10 movies of ALL TIME) when Julia Roberts and Dermot Mulroney are on that boat cruising the Chicago River and the moment comes and she DOESN’T TELL HIM SHE LOVES HIM!!! Her fate was sealed in that moment. Don’t be Julia Roberts, Linds!! TELL HIM!! Okay, good. You told him.

Uh-oh. Here comes Ashlee. She wears me out. And I am not looking forward to her having another moment of “I’m relinquishing control.” How many times can we see that? “Control” is my new drinking game word (except I’m drinking Diet Pepsi, since I gave up le booze for Lent). Also, I feel like swimming into a dark underwater cave on a deserted island off the coast of Thailand is outside the comfort zone of just about everyone on earth, with the possible exception of the characters on Lost.

Finally AshLee's back is what I say. She is so intense that at least it's good TV. I'm really feeling the chemistry between these two, but maybe that's just because US Weekly lied to me. Or maybe it's that AshLee's overwhelming needs and anxiety are making up for Sean's lack of any emotions whatsoever. Either way, she looks way prettier than she did at the beginning of the season, her hair still looks great in the thai humidity and I believe she actually wants to marry and have babies with this simple Texan and live his simple, closeted life. Sean is about to make a huge mistake.

Also, can we just take a moment to compare this episode to the Overnights episode of Emily’s Bachelorette season? Sean is bringing all those girls back to the suite and they’re all having sparkling apple juice and playing rousing games of checkers. Emily literally revoked Arie’s Fantasy Suite invitation because she knew they’d be boning like rabbits within ten minutes.

Which they probably did anyway. If they'd never bumped groins, there's no way she would have picked Jef. 

Catherine is such a ray of sunshine after Abandonment Ashlee. I was about to drown myself in the bathtub until she came on screen. But it took about 5 seconds for Sean to voice his concerns about her wanting things like a “career” instead of just being a machine for churning out mini-Seans. Do you see her holding her nose as she says extra-vague things like “in five years, I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a kid involved”? I’m with you, Fia. I think she started this with a hilarious drunk conversation with her friends that turned into a dare that turned into her applying just for a laugh that turned into her getting picked that turned into her being herself and continually winning roses because she was going up against a bunch of vapid automatons. And now it’s a little like, “How did I get here?” And to be honest, I’m totally rooting for her, despite the fact that she’d have to completely upend her life to become the Incubator for the Next Generation of Red-Faced Lowes. I just wanna see some interracial babies.

Interracial babies aside, I think Catherine should have gone home this week. Yes, they have chemistry. Yes, it seems like Sean likes her the most, yes I would rather get drinks with her than anyone else on the show (with the exception of Chris Harrison). But it's just so abundantly obvious that this engagement is not going to lead to a marriage and the bachelor franchise will have another failed relash on it's bloody, bloody hands. Catherine's sisters have already warned us that she's always in big at the beginning and that she has dreams of moving to New York. Catherine, sweetheart, those who are tired of Seattle do not move to Dallas. 

Can I fast-forward to the Rose Ceremony, since I already know who’s going home? No, I can’t. Because there are these really ridiculous video messages from each of Sean’s girlfriends. Predictably, Lindsay is somewhat boring, Catherine is adorkable, and Ashlee is…well…bawling.

To be honest, before they played these videos I assumed it would be Lindsay who was going home. There date was just so, 'meh'. But Sean is so 'meh' himself that I guess it was perfect. I didn't realize AshLee was on the chopping block until Sean said that he was worried the girl who was going home 'wouldn't be okay after'. Lindsay would have probably done body shots with some retired frat guys and Catherine would already have rented a room in Bushwick.

Sidenote: I feel bad for the girl who gets eliminated tonight. Flying all the way back from Thailand in coach is traumatic enough, but to be flying coach having just gotten dumped an hour before? ROUGH SAUCE. (ummm…Did Lindsay just drop an F-bomb? That makes her my new personal hero.)

I HAD THE SAME THOUGHT!!! I mean, for realz, public humiliation at this level deserves at least a first class plane bed.

And without further ado, the Rose Ceremony heard round the world. I thought US Weekly had spoiled it. But they were just being clever. In all seriousness, though: Is Ashlee on suicide watch? And I also think that subtitle got it wrong in the car confessional. I don’t think she says “it’s the ultimate reject.” I think she said “I’M the ultimate reject.” Suicide. Watch.

Best quotation of the night. AshLee's own personal blue steel, followed by giving Sean the ice treatment, a worried Lindsay turns to Catherine who responds, "She's a survivalist." That is what she said right? Even if it's not don't tell me. I want to keep the memory. 

The pros always say never to marry someone from whom you wouldn't want to be divorced. AshLee's reaction made me think maybe this is what Sean was thinking when he decided to send her home. I would like to give a shout out to AshLee's awesome boobs in this dress. Whoa nelly!

And is the finale really THREE HOURS LONG? Hold me.

sean: week seven HOMETOWNS

Doesn't Sean know you should never fight with someone who has more neck tattoos than you do?

JA: Hometowns!!! Before tonight’s quasi-live blog, a bit of housekeeping: I have to send big ups to the cover of Us Weekly for spoiling the final two. Stay classy, Us Weekly. Stay classy. Also the Grease Girl has not been given nearly enough to do these past few weeks. Not gonna lie – I’m a little disappointed.

SA: Ya and if you read the article (which obviously I didn't, who has time for that, right? right?)...but if by chance you happened to read it at the nail salon or possibly you thought that it might be funny joke to buy it for yourself to read on Valentines Day...then you would have read the "journalists" at US try to lie and say they don't know who the top two girls are AFTER having put only two of the four on the COVER. Nice try, US. Way to save your ass legally. 

And as for the grease girl...lay offs maybe? cut backs? ABC...please advise, is it no longer in your budget to employ a personal grease girl for Sean? Follow up - how will that poor lass get a new job with only 'grease girl' on her resume? How will future employers know that this was only an internship gone wrong and not something akin to Sean's 'pretty woman' themed date?

ASHLEE:

Really? You’ve been dreaming of bringing Sean home “for as long as you remember”? So, your memory only goes back six weeks? She is a bit much for me.

Remember when Ashlee CRIED as she recounted the Polar Bear Plunge? Ashlee thought it was a transformative, soul-baring experience, and Lindsay thought it was a sorority party.

And…the grilling begins. After watching Ashlee’s mother, I’m a little like, Dear Mom: when the time comes for me to compete with 24 other people for a man’s affection, please do not sit down with my potential TV-husband and describe in detail all my abandonment issues.

And I want Ashlee’s dad to be my dad. The story he told of meeting her at the kiddy pound was completely genuine and unsnarkable. If I had written that story in a script, everyone would be rolling their eyes, but here, it works. (Also, is it bad that I used the term “kiddy pound”? What do you call a pound when it’s full of toddlers instead of puppies?)

It's only wrong in that it's making me think of the pound puppies theme song as I attempt to recount this date...(for those of you who don't know the PP theme is a series of melodic barks...woof woof woof woof woof woof). AshLee's is so intense it makes me uncomfortable. She's so intense that I often forget how pretty she is due to her overwhelming intenseness. She's the kind of girl who you think you're having coffee with and then all of the sudden she's manipulated you into telling her what you don't like about yourself while she smiles - at least that's who she would be if I was writing her. As for her mom - ya, Josh, you said it. Re: her dad. I was honestly getting a little teary. When he recounted the story of adopting her and said, "I'm gonna have a hard time giving this one back." I thought it was so sweet and genuine and his own tears didn't hurt. And Josh, I disagree - if you wrote that in one of your plays, everyone would be balling.

CATHERINE:

I love Seattle. Full stop. Ashlee is intense and Catherine is fun. AND A-FREAKING-DORABLE. I’m allergic to fish and they still made me want to catch one. I’m getting romance. I’m getting photo booth. I’m getting cultural enlightenment. I’m getting fish tossing. I’m getting everything I ever wanted. And I’m already seeing their adorable biracial babies. OH GOD, ABC, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME????

I'd like to point out that Sean wore what he thinks of as his 'cool outfit' to come to Seattle.  I'd also like to point out that it seems Catherine's date was planned by the tourism dept of Seattle and they did a great job. Sean looks like he's having the time of his life. I wanna go to Seattle immediately. Except for that gum wall thing - that is my worst nightmare. 

And then we get to the house. I feel like Catherine’s family is the Arie’s family of this season. They kept it real without being dramatic. And they acknowledged the fact that their daughter’s boyfriend has three other girlfriends. Maybe they shouldn’t have spilled the beans that Catherine is thinking semi-realistically and might have doubts about trading in her career as a graphic designer for a career being Sean’s Baby Factory. But as we say in the hood, at least they kept it one-hundred.

It seemed to be going well when they were all just hanging out and then when the producers were like, okay guys - now go into separate rooms and talk about marriage. My guess is that before Catherine left she said, "Hey guys, how funny would it be if I went on the Bachelor??" And they were all like "Yeah girl, that shit's hilarious." And now that she's in the final four and has been semi-brainwashed they are having to pretend like it's serious but you can tell they all still think it's a joke. Her mom's response to asking for her hand was the best parent response ever - ya let's just see shall we? 

LINDSAY:

I just realized that Lindsay isn’t constantly wasted; it’s just the way she talks. That, or she’s constantly wasted. I will say that the two of them are the most well-matched as far as sheer looks go. They just look like a couple.

And then we’re drinking MORE. Are they literally just wandering into every building in town? This seems less planned out than the other hometowns so far. I was expecting Lindsay to put Sean through some sort of military-style drills.

Wait. I swear I didn’t know that was gonna happen. Okay, now I really need to stop watching because I am thinking like a producer.

I'm gonna say it again - if Sean picks Lindsay he might actually get married - with any of the other girls it's not gonna happen. These two simpletons are perfectly matched. 

Okay, wow, Sean. Hold the phone. In your head, “I love you” means “I want to spend the rest of my life with you”? Am I just too jaded, or is that what that actually means? Fia, please advise. But Lindsay’s dad was also awesome. I totally followed his Army metaphor, sort of. My favorite part of the whole night might have been seeing what looked like Lindsay’s (apparently mute) little brother hugging Sean on his way out. It’s becoming abundantly clear that Des’s hometown plane ticket was one-way.

No, Josh, you were right. "I love you" does not mean I want to spend the rest of my life with you. But to be fair it does typically means "I am not dating anyone else". What poor Lindsay's mom doesn't know is that Sean contractually obligated to not say I love you to anyone until the finale.

DES:

Oh, wait. Des’s hometown is LA. So it must really have been weird for her to be trapped in that Bachelor house. Speaking of house, whose house is that? What does Des do, style brides? Is that how she affords that house?

And the moment we’ve been waiting for all season. But wait. It’s a prank done by a shitty actor. Well played, ABC. Honestly it might have fooled me if it had 1) gone on a little longer, and 2) been a better actor. And it did actually fool me when it was just a promo. Where were the auditions for that?

That actor was so bad. I kept thinking of what NY actors I would have preferred to have in his place. Greg Keller? Josh - suggestions? But props to Des for the prank. And props for the hike. Des, you are adorable.

Okay, this is now an open letter to Des’s brother. Dear Des’s Brother: you told Des that “a lot of guys are gonna make you happy, but that’s not what it’s about.” I’m gonna go on record and register my disagreement. I feel like that’s one hundred percent what it’s about. I also feel like someone should have sent you a few DVDs of some past episodes so you can get a handle on the premise of the show. You seemed shocked that Sean hasn’t made his choice yet while there were still four women left. Are you an actor? Trying to parlay this into as much screen time as possible? Or are you just high? You and your family officially weird me out. All of you. From your odd tats to your dad talking about seasons…weird. Totally weird. xoxo, Joshy

Last night while watching with the gals I said I really didn't understand where that brother came from since Des' parents seem like such nice California hippies. At which point Tess piped up that he must have fallen in with the wrong crowd at Venice Highschool. Nicely put, Tess. 

When this guy said that Sean was a playboy and Sean turned maroon and tried to calming say, "That's not me" I wanted him to go hulk and scream, "I don't even like women!! I'm only on this show to find a wife who doesn't disgust me, make babies and conform to my Christian faith's hetero-normative expectations!!!!! RAWR SEAN ANGRY." Then pound his chest.

But also, I would like to give props to not only Des's brother, but all these families for passing the bullshit test with flying colors. Way to make Sean squirm. When you go around the country asking four different families for their daughter's hand in marriage - you deserve to be a little uncomfortable. 

ROSE CEREMONY:

I’m feeling really bad for Des going into this. And boy, does ABC know how to ratchet up the drama. This music alone is giving me a seizure. But once again, it’s Chris Harrison for the win. “My advice to you tonight: get this right.” You TELL him, Chris.

Wait, why am I still in disbelief that Des is going home? Why am I still secretly hoping that Des can talk her way into ALL FOUR OF THEM getting invited to the Thailand Fantasy Suite to play Backgammon? Do you have to be a master manipulator like Ryan from Emily’s Season to talk your way into staying in the competition? Why do I think we haven’t seen the last of her? Am I just in denial? Most important question of all: will I be able to stop myself from live blogging “Sean Tells All” tonight?

I have to admit, I too thought we might be taking all four of these ladies to Thailand. Desiree to Bachelorette 2013? Anyone???

And yes, I'll be right there with you for Sean Tells All. 

sean: week six

okay, T, you're right - that eyebrow is totally out of control....

JA: Another live blog begins…I’m gearing up for a St. Croix Smackdown! My hope going in is that Sean realizes what the rest of us already know to be true in the world: if everyone’s an asshole, YOU’RE the asshole.

And here goes Tierra playing the age card. Not gonna lie, Ashlee is 32 in human years, which is approx. 258 in Bachelor years. But in the real world, Tierra, it’s okay for a 32-year-old woman to be single. Is it weird that I’m pulling for Ashlee and I don’t think she’s totally full of bullshit? But also I’m worried that she’s way too into him. Biting my nails for the big reveal of her Other Big Secret.

SA: And if you're on the Bachelor at 24, vying for a fiance - you're the one on the wrong side of the age game. Doesn't Tierra know she's supposed to be drunk at Union Pool at 24? Not getting into a screaming match with some broad nearly ten years older than she is about whose going to marry the greased up Virgin (thank Us Weekly...)

Wait, sidebar: is Tierra actually sleeping on a cot in the hallway? Whyyyyyy is she doing that? As if prompted by producers (weird…why would producers prompt Sean to do anything?), Sean pops the question (but not the one Ashlee wants to hear): “WHAT’S YOUR SECRET???” Does she have a kid? I bet it’s a kid. Wait for it…wait for it…she’s transgendered. I bet it’s a penis. Wait for it…

Oh. She got married when she was 17. I now have Bachelor Secret Blueballs. I literally just yawned. She is playing the “I’m broken” card harder than anybody I’ve ever seen.

I was banking on an eating disorder but married at 17 is way more AshLee...Now, let's be honest...it's stupid and trashy to put a ring on it in high school but we are talking about something that happened 15 years ago...who cares? Sean also seemed to have not a good or bad reaction, he had NO REACTION whatsoever. Hello, Sean - anyone in there??? I feel like most of this show his eyes are glazed over and he's trying to remember old Garfield episodes while these girls are talking.

Sean is proof that boys are stupid. Nuff said. I take that back. He just said that he was “subconsciously” pulling away from Tierra. Somebody’s read his Carl Jung.

I wanna see this cot Tierra’s sleeping on. I really wanna see it. 

“I cannot control my eyebrow. I CANNOT control my EYEBROW.” –Tierra

Poor Tierra, it sucks to be a bitch without a poker face.

“I just need to pee and I’m good to go.” –Catherine

Catherine again, is cementing her place as most laid back girl ever to win a ticket to bachelor town. Quick Q - all these girls are allowed to do is drink, talk about Sean and primp. If she just needs to pee and she's good then 1/3 of her time in the house in unaccounted for...

Finally…a date that’s not my idea of a nightmare. It’s actually my idea of a perfect day. Color me JEALOUS!!! Although I feel like Sean is the dad carting his daughter and her friends around the island, like it’s some bad live-action Disney movie from 1987. There’s that much romance on this date. (The graphics from the high school AV club didn’t help either.)

My favorite moment from this group date was when Lindsay was like, “Yeah, I try to hide my depth behind humor” and Sean was like, “Yeah…I think we’re similar”…so that’s what you’ve been doing this whole time. Hiding your depth behind humor. And behind an inch-thick layer of baby oil.

Can I declare a new favorite? Keep in mind this is not MY favorite. But I think Lindsay is maybe the only girl who would actually marry Sean. They seem to have about the same IQ. She's gonna make up for what he's lacking in the bedroom and they seem to want to same kind of life. I would rather hang out with Catherine or Des but I'm betting once these girls get back to the real world - and are allowed newspapers, books, internet, friends and other men -- they won't be Sean's 'best friend' for long. Sean - do your self a favor and pick the cute sorta goofy army brat whose not too cool for you.

Wait, Catherine’s father has trauma, too? Just kidding. Sorry, Ashlee, but Catherine’s actually winning the trauma game. But ultimately, I think Sean admires Catherine and thinks she’s cool. I just don’t see her getting that ring in Week 10.

My other favorite moment from this group date? The delicious sense of irony I feel when I watch Sean ask Desiree, “what do you want me to see when I go to your hometown with you?” knowing full well what he will actually see. She’s crying so hard because she knows what’s about to go down.

Loved when Leslie said, "I watch this show and think these girls are idiots and now I'm one of those idiots" (paraphrased but you get the gist). Yeah, Leslie. You've been deprived of civilization for weeks and now you're brainwashed. That's why you can tell a camera man you're in love with Sean but then you're out there alone picking avocados and you just can't get the love vomit out - wanna know why? Because you're not actually in love with him. Sorry, Leslie. You're not as stupid as you thought. 

So Sean’s entire one-on-one date with Leslie is just gonna be sitting and talking??? That CANNOT be good. And if you have real “raw passion and chemistry” with someone, then you’ll be too busy making out and pawing at each other to talk about it. Okay and now I’m officially dozing off. STOP TALKING, LESLIE.

The whole sequence with the Tierra/Ashlee smackdown being intercut with Sean’s conversation with his sister (btw…who names their children Shay and Sean? Phonetically, that’s just odd…) and his walk to the cabin was pure ABC genius. Reality TV storytelling at its best. His arrival was timed perfectly with her meltdown.

Bravo ABC! And Bravo Shay. I've never seem someone successfully talk the Bachelor out of letting the crazy bitch go...Shay has definitely written her own bachelor recaps at some point and it turns out of all these ladies, it's his sister who has Sean by the balls.

This is…one of the stranger breakups I’ve seen. “Because I’m so crazy about you…I think we should stop seeing each other.” I’m gonna try that next time I dump someone. “I love you to pieces, but I know how hard this is on you, so let me do you this favor and break up with you.” Genius. Only straight men can get away with this. This is what they’re experts at.

Yes but is it because straight men are master manipulators or idiots? Both? Is it both?

Twenty bucks says Tierra ends up on Bachelor Pad. Now, unless there’s a shocker, it seems pretty clear that Leslie will also be going home.

I still want to see Tierra’s cot. Should I let it go by now?

Josh, what were you smoking this episode - they showed us that cot like 50 times. They even showed her taking it out of the closet and unfolding it....where have you been? This is why we need to watch together - preferably with pork butt!

Once again, the Rose Ceremony goes moment for moment how I thought it was. But what I didn’t see coming was how distraught Catherine was over ANOTHER GIRL GOING HOME. That was intense, huh? Almost like she expected Leslie to win it all and now she’s SHAKEN TO THE CORE.

That Catherine break down was the weirdest thing I've seen all season. Did she want to go home? Can she not believe she has to introduce Sean to her family? Was she rooting for Leslie? Can we get more time in the confessional with Catherine pleeeaaassseee???

It’ll all get super Looney Tunes at Hometowns…can’t. Wait. Except…the angry guy they made us think was Des’s hometown boyfriend is really just her brother??? A) He looks nothing like her. B) Does he have his SAG card?  Or C) Is this finally Des getting revenge for the art show prank???

I hope it’s C.

DES' brother (slash old boyfriend...what happened in that tent?!?!?) if next episode is as good as it's preview that dude needs and Emmy. With Lindsay's dad coming in for a close second. Hometown dates are always the best! Can't wait.

sean: week five, part 2

Selma's big "guns"...

JA: Here's my attempt at live-blogging this episode (the next day). Also I just wanna say -- all this attention I'm paying to this show may or may not have something to do with why I'm currently single.

But you know what I am missing from this bonus episode? Sean's greased-up shirtless Canadian outdoor workout. I really hope Sean feels better after last week in Montana which, apparently, was the worst thing that's ever happened. Why is he so depressed?

SA: It's too cold in Canada to get greased up and lift weights - thank god.

And the date card arrives. Catherine, Daniella, and Tierra have not had one-on-one dates? I call bullshit. Tierra has had a one-on-one date in every single episode. She just is smart enough not to wait for a date card.

Why is CatherineChristineCaroline waiting outside for Sean in the middle of a blizzard? Is Sean playing an Avalanche Prank? Oh no, wait, he's driving something called a snow bus. And they're gonna go "play in a glacier." This is apparently Sean's "Blizzard Test," AKA my worst nightmare. But is it just me, or do you not see Catherine winning or (frankly) even making it to hometowns? She's too much of a real person. I'm continually surprised that she's even here.

Usually I think Catherine has pretty cute style (for a bachelor contestant) but what was with those ENORMOUS hoop earrings that she wore to the Glacier? I hope some production asst. was like "mmyeah...we're really gonna need you to take those off, it's a safety issue."

And here comes Catherine's trauma...is it rape? Accidental drowning? Parental abuse? Grizzly bear attack?

Oh. It's a tree falling on a girl and killing her. Right in front of Catherine's face. That's pretty intense, actually, not gonna lie. Score that rose (and some Texas tongue from Sean...eww).

I thought that was soo intense. I was gettin' chillsy. And I know that it's like a rule that you have to cough up a trauma on your one-on-one, but I thought she told the story in a pretty natural way, not in a "ya better give me that rose now" way. (PS why was there no food at the ice castle? Is it because C is a vegan and they don't know how to feed her?)

I'm bracing myself for Sean's Hypothermia Prank, AKA my other worst nightmare. Suddenly the "art gallery" prank he played on Des doesn't seem so bad since now all the pranks carry the risk of death. Oh, it's optional? I bet some prissy girl (aka Selma) might take him up on that. Also not looking forward to Tierra's antics.

Hahahahaha and here goes Selma backing out. Stop reminding us you're Iraqi, Selma. You're probably from the Valley. And the Valley's where you'll be going back to before long. If you can't hang with the pranks, you can't become Mrs. Lowe. Point blank.

And once again, Ashlee has a moment that's stolen by Tierra. What person who's actually suffering from shock and hypothermia says "nuh uh" when you ask them if they know what day it is? Tha conversation between Sean and Tierra in that bed was the most disturbing thing I've ever seen. He's the biggest idiot in the world.

Tierra: "SO COLD. MUST HAVE STARBUCKS TO GO, AND A BURGER IN BED, AND AN OXYGEN TANK PROP STAT" Also maybe the reason T got such a chill is because as opposed to the other girls who put on robes, boots and scarves when they got out of the water, Tierra was running around barefoot on the beach using one of the foil blankets as a cape to show off her bikini. That's your fault T, not the glacier's - grow a pair.

Tierra's bullshit aside, I actually thought this date was pretty cool. Mostly because the girls a seemed to be bonding with each other. They all seemed so genuinely happy and invigorated after.

Sarah with these baby pictures...I feel like it's a cheap and desperate way to get people to connect with you. I mean...my baby pictures are cute enough to get me a date with anyone. Anywhere. Guaranteed. I don't see how she stays past this week. I actually forgot she was there.

And...Lesley officially steals my "Tierrarist" pun. I want it on the record that I coined that term at Week Three.

Okay, Sean redeemed himself by giving Lesley the rose. Even though she's a pun-stealer.

Way to do the right think Sean, Leslie is awesome. The fact that she even thought of a pun worthy of Josh Allen esteems her in my book. Now two of my three favs already have roses - Catherine & Leslie. If Des gets a rose on her date (which we know she will) that's my top three, (my top three ladies to be friends with. I don't really see Sean with anyone...)

Did I call this or WHAT? Sarah's done. Oh, but this is bad. And awkward. And bad. Oh, man. I feel bad even watching this. My heart is breaking for her.

Poor Sarah. I think I would almost rather have been rejected at the rose ceremony so that I could just chalk it up to him "connecting more with others" than "not wanting me". Oh GOD. I just imagined myself on the bachelor thinking in their stupid phrases. WE NEED TO STOP THIS NOW.

I think as we head into this one-on-one that Daniella is on the bubble. It's either her or Selma, the "I'm Gonna Sit This One Out" Iraqi going home. Hands down. I can't see Sean and Selma together. She's too high maintenance. And I don't know that her bringing shame on her family with a closed-mouth 4th-grade kiss is gonna make enough difference.

And here we go with Sean's Rappel Prank, AKA my other other worst nightmare. And here's the obligatory "extreme outdoor activity as metaphor for a relationship" moment.

Now she's daring him to climb a tree. She's winning because she's tapped into the 10-year-old boy that Sean is. They seem like they have an actual connection (i.e. not just for the cameras). And at the moment of strongest connection, Des digs deep for the childhood poverty story. (Are you clocking Sean's complete inability to understand not having money?) Des should have been the winner. It's gonna be bad when her boyfriend shows up. Like, really bad.

Sean: Come up here you little cub. - Only cute thing he's said to anyone all season. What a shame Des' bf shows up at hometowns. And yes, I completely agree with you, when she was telling him they were poor it really seemed like he couldn't grasp it. "You lived in a tent with you're family? Why didn't you live in your backyard play cottage? Oh wait, you didn't have a play cottage the size of most people's homes? That must be why you are so down to earth."

Is Wedding Dress Lindsay wasted again? Whatever she's doing, it's working. I'm actually sitting at my computer giggling along with them as they play the "don't kiss me...OKAYKISSMENOW" game. But ultimately she strikes me more as a high school girlfriend than a wife.

Maybe if she had been Sean's high school girlfriend he would know how to use his penis now...and wouldn't be on this show.

As for Ashlee, I'm thinking she's a little too serious. We get it...you hate being vulnerable because as a child you were constantly being abandoned and abused and unloved and raped, etc. But you're on an ABC reality show...try to have a little fun (and some free liquor). Is this what happens when the biological clock starts ticking hardcore, or what? I feel like if Sean ever sends her home, she's gonna fall ALL THE WAY apart.

"I am comfortable being led by you...here blindfold me"...really? Pretty sure that in 2013 marriage should be a partnership, honey. This isn't Bachelor 1950. You can take the blindfold off now.

Oh, 2 eliminations? Selma and Daniella. Right? Who else could it be? Lindsay and Ashlee did everything they needed to do at the Cocktail Party.

Man, did anyone else think that despite that horrible kiss, Selma looked smokin' hot in that yellow dress?

Yeah. Once again, no suspense. Too bad Selma's gonna be shunned and disowned by her entire family and have nothing to show for it. But Daniella...somehow I think she'll be just fine. She's gonna wake up in a week and forget she was even there.

Daniella, come over and watch with us next week...we would LOVE your commentary.

sean: week five, part one

warm goat's milk anyone?

JA: I can't even talk about that headband (turban?) Selma wore to the Farm Obstacle Course.

SA: It had sparkles. She wanted us to make sure we knew that she wasn't one of the goats.

While I do think it's total crap that Sean invited the losers to the post-farm cocktail party, when will these girls learn that the complainers just sit there having a Chardonnay Vagina Party while the proactive girls are making out with Sean? I'm like, Dear Losers: you're mad about the other four girls being there, but meanwhile a girl who gets her own 2-on-1 date tomorrow is showing up out of the blue and stalking Sean's life and making out with him. (PS - do you think, like I do, that this is starting an alarming trend of no one paying attention to the date cards and just showing up wherever they want whenever they want? Because it's becoming clear to me that on the Bachelor -- just like in real life -- the squeaky wheel always gets the grease. And clearly, the squeakiest wheel of all is Sean, because he gets more grease than a bucket of fried chicken.)

I really enjoyed Desiree's comment that Sean gives the rose to the girl whose having a hard time...ding ding Des, you figured out the secret to Bachelorland...but instead of using this golden nugget you instead chose to try and keep your pride...Des - this is not the way to win. You should have 'broke down' while telling Sean how pissed you were you had to drink warm goat milk, then threatened to leave and then...the rose would have been yours. Instead it went to Daniella who, on finally getting out of the house, first cried and then jumped on top of your man with a desperate last chance make out. Now, now I do not think this was strategy as Daniella is honestly a drunk, horny, emotional, hot mess. Sean, like the rest of us, is finally starting to see it and...like her for it? A disaster who people want to root for...do we have a new Bachelorette nominee? At least this girl is taking advantage of the only thing ABC is truly offering these woman: free alcohol. 

And speaking of the 2-on-1...did anyone in America think Jackie was actually gonna get that rose? I'm great with names and I had to sit here and think for a second to even come up with Jackie's. Maybe (going off my "Sean is a really classy guy" theory) Jackie had approached Sean earlier saying, "I'm over it and I wanna go home. But don't make me sit (or stand) through a whole rose ceremony." And Sean was like, "I want you to go home too. So why don't we have a nice night out (with Tierra) and we can pretend to eat dinner and I'll compliment you a lot before I have the PA drive you to the airport?" Because seriously...that was the least suspenseful 2-on-1 in Bachelor history.

Tierra's dis to Jackie was pretty spot on..."you ate your fish." As the only people who eat on the bachelor are the ones who have a lot of alone time on their hands...

Also, I have to say, I'm not sure Sean was even listening to Jackie during their talk. The whole rest of the episode he kept asking for 'specifics' on how Tierra had wronged him. While on their date Jackie said, specifically, 'Tierra was flirting with lots of other men at the airport.' I'm pretty sure at that point Sean was just imagining licking that weird scar on Tierra's forehead and counting the seconds until he could send, sweet, hot, spark-less Jackie home.

All the time the girls spend confronting Tierra is time they don't spend with Sean. As soon as Robyn decided to use precious Cocktail Party time to go all High School on Tierra, I knew she was done. Lesley better watch her moves these next couple of weeks. For some reason, the girl who actually brings the drama is never associated with the drama. The Bachelor (and Sean is no exception) can't conceive of a world beyond what he sees, so if you're the girl who spends her cuddle time complaining about another girl, that makes you dramatic. And if you're the bipolar girl who consistently fakes various injuries and makes ugly cry faces and deploys a heartbreak story from your past at just the right time, then Sean loves you.

Love how Sean needed to clarify that Teirra's (fictional?) ex was in 'drug and alcohol rehab'. No, Sean, not a physical rehabilitation center.

They have really turned this into the Tierra show this season...and frankly I'm a little bored with her. I know ABC has had a lot of success with the whole "girl you love to hate" thing, but I actually hate to hate Tierra, and the promos seem to indicate that the entire rest of the season is just going to be more and more of this and I'm already so bored.

Me too. Can we get more Catherine and Sean playing Dungeons and Dragons together...(as he joked they did here)...

To continue the theme of Least Suspenseful Episode Ever, the last two girls in the rose ceremony are Robyn...and DESIREE? Stevie Wonder could see (or anyone who's ever seen a promo could tell) that Desiree has to stick around long enough for her man to show up. We've come a long way from last week's Minority Date Report. Now Christine and Selma are the only minorities left, right?

Catherine, Josh, Catherine. Sidenote: my friend Tess told me that Catherine is actually a real Graphic Designer for like google or amazon or something. The fact that she has a legitimate job and isn't designing t-shirts in her bedroom is even further fuel in my quest to find out how this girl ended up on this show...

Okay, now I'm going to go watch last night's PART TWO (aka Sean's Hilarious Hypothermia Prank) and comment on THAT. Long day ahead.

Big surprise that it's Tierra who gets hurt. Sean really is an idiot. A big dumb tomato...now I'll proceed to spend two more hours of my life watching a man I wouldn't talk to in a bar try to find a wife...

sean: week four

Tierra gunning for this season's 'ugly cry' award

SA: Before I fly back to the East Coast, let's take a minute to discuss last night's bachelor aka the 'minority date report'... We were gathered in my Echo Park rental eating pork butt so I can't say my thoughts are as specific this week ie I still don't know the name of the girl who got the first date but I do remember when she shouted, "Of course, he takes the Iraqi to the desert."

JA: Her name's Selma (an odd name for an Iraqi). And yes, while she may be of Iraqi descent, I can't see anything about her that distinguishes her from any other high-maintenance girl ever. She seemed to have been a little...annoyed when some PA came and told her to get ready for her date by putting on yoga clothes.

I was impressed by the ass cam and by how much this chick brought it climbing that rock. Sean didn't get to do any of the usual bachelor stuff like giving her a kiss for courage when she had a breakdown because A - she didn't need it, she was whipping his asscam and B - Arabian girls don't kiss pre-televised engagement. However, for not wanting to shame her family by kissing, she sure was okay with groin to groin contact. Apparently dry humping is smiled upon in all cultures.

Yeah, this little complication shocked me. I found myself wondering if Selma had actually watched any previous episodes of The Bachelor. There's no faster way to buy yourself a ticket home than to tell the customer he can't test-drive the Corvette before he takes it off the lot. Although, if kissing is forbidden, I want to meet this family. There should be one girl who gets a Hometown visit simply by audience vote. As a matter of fact, more things should be done on the show by audience vote. I'd vote a lot.

GROUP DATE...aka even if you bust your chin roller derby-ing - you still might not get a rose (looking at you Amanda). This is also where we saw Tierra manipulate the bachelor the same way the mean girl manipulates the bachelor on every season - by threatening to go home on a group date unless he ponies up the rose...

And THE GUY ALWAYS FALLS FOR IT. Like, ALWAYS AND ALWAYS. It's a wonder more girls don't throw such tantrums. Every season, there's one smart girl who's done her homework (i.e. Tierra) and a bunch of girls who expect the Bachelor not to take the side of the girl they all band together and hate. We should run a pre-Bachelor workshop for all contestants during which we cover these kinds of things.

EXCELLENT IDEA!

Lindsay thought she had it in the bag when she got Sean to go swimming with her, but poor Lindsay didn't even make it to the pool. She was left freezing in her red bikini on the roof of the Roosevelt while Sean dried Tierra's tears with limp, awkward kisses. Well played Tierra, that breakdown to the camera men to get the tears flowing really paid off.

Next time I'm out with a group of friends, I'm gonna cry and threaten to go home unless one of them gives me a rose. Just to see what happens.

Okay, WHAT IS CATHERINE DOING HERE?!? Go home Catherine, you are way too cute for Sean and seem like a real person. Watching you talk to these girls is like playing 'which one of these is not like the other?' There must be  some crazy in you that we've yet to see...

I'm not entirely sure that Catherine knows what show she's on. What if she thinks this is America's Next Top Model and she keeps expecting the date card to be Tyra Mail?

Now Poor Black Leslie gets her date and it's oh god, Pretty Woman themed. Does Sean not realize Pretty Woman was about a hooker? Or is that just how he sees all of these women? Not that it isn't somewhat appropriate considering that they all signed up for this show but I still consider it to be in wildly poor taste to compare your date so brazenly to a prostitue.

Even by showering her in diamonds and the ugliest Escada dress they could find, Sean just doesn't feel the romance with Black Leslie. He doesn't even give her a chance to slow dance with him to some crooner no one's ever heard of - instead he strips her of Neil Lane's diamond necklace and drops the rose to the ground where it shatters into a million petals. Cheer up Sean, there are 11 other ladies of the night waiting for you at the mansion. (note: Leslie - you cheer up too, at least you get to keep those earrings - I guarantee you that is more than any other woman will walk away with this season, including the one who wins).

I can't even talk about the Black Leslie date. (Now watch me talk about it.) Remember how at first we thought it was gonna go well because she's kinda dorky and he's a complete blank slate, so it might work? And then she picks out the five ugliest dresses Badgley Mischka ever made and tries to make one work with the Neil Lane loaner necklace. (Is it just me, or did that necklace look like it may have come out of one of those arcade games where you move the claw around and try to pick up prizes with it?)

It's my theory that he was never going to keep her around, so this was his nice way of sending her off. Kinda like, "Sorry to waste your time. You've clearly got a lucrative thing going dealing poker at that casino off the 105 freeway by the airport, so you should probably get back to that. But next time you're slinging chips at Texas Hold 'Em, do it in these earrings. No, no. Don't mention it. Thank YOU, Leslie. Thank YOU."

At the rose ceremony Amanda is sent home for looking so scary and some blonde girl who never gets to leave the house stays.

I'm choosing to interpret every move Sean makes as incredibly well-thought-out and full of charity. So therefore, Daniella (blonde who can't/won't leave the house) is a severe agoraphobic. That, or she's really good at making omelettes for the other girls, so Sean figures she keeps the house happy.

I can never remember that blonde girl's name! Even though I asked you what it was at least six times this week. Thank you, Josh, for telling me in writing that it's Daniella - now, do we think remembering her name even matters since she's probably going home next week?

See you then when our journey continues...

sean: week three

There's no crying in beach volleyball

SA: Our bachelor viewing this week began by Josh and I debating on a scale of one to rude, how rude it would be for us to invite ourselves over to Nick Jones' house to watch Sean woo this week's ladies. We decided just to go for it and thankfully Nick was game for our friend bomb. We three playwrights settled in for a lovely evening of drinking coronas and watching these desperate women's tears melt their spray tans.

JA: I suppose we're just gonna have to get used to seeing Sean's oiled-up morning workout at the top of every episode. It's like the producers are desperately still trying to convince us that he's sexy when...he's not. He's so not.

I think he's auditioning for an AXE body spray endorsement deal (gross I just realized that's prob what Sean smells like). I mean, why else would they grease him up like a baby pig and make him lift weights for us EVERY WEEK? Oh right, it's because of how hot and bothered Emily's old friend got last season when she made him do push-ups for her while she giggled and chugged wine out of a styrofoam cup at a playground. Remembering this, I must sadly admit that this sow in baby oil is what many American women find attractive. 

I don't think Leslie H (that's the black Leslie, right?) is going to be satisfied until she kills the other Leslie. That's the only way she can keep from being disappointed every time a date card comes and she holds her breath after "Leslie..." waiting for her last initial and it's NEVER HER LAST INITIAL.

Would it be wrong to refer to them as black Leslie and white Leslie? Because I cannot keep these last initials straight. It might also be nicer to the women if when the date card came it said, "White Leslie..." Then BL wouldn't get her hopes up waiting for that defining extra letter.

I agree with you that Lesley (DC)'s look as Sean led her into the Guinness World Record museum was totally, "I could've worn jeans, flats, and my college sweatshirt for this." Also (and this is the honest truth...I swear on Trista Sutter), I just did a search on guinnessworldrecords.com and could find NO evidence of there even being a record for fastest trip around the 48 states, much less Sean's dad holding said record.

As I said last night, I seriously doubt that an old map with some polaroids on it is on display at the museum. That looked to me like the work of the Art Department intern.

That kiss...that kiss was one of the weirdest, unhottest things I've ever seen. And ABC forced us to watch that in real time. At first I thought Lesley was trying to be sexy with all the grabbing of the hair and face. But I think she was just trying to hold on to the statue she was trying to make out with. Homegirl EARNED that rose. And I think she's gonna make it far. Like, probably hometowns far.

Would this be a good time to talk about who makes it hometowns? I'm guessing White Leslie, Sarah one arm, Tierra and maybe the girl who wore the wedding dress since I don't think Sean can tell her and White Leslie apart. I would say Des since she's my early favorite but as we know from the trailer, her real boyfriend shows up at some point to take back what's his. (Sorry feminist self, had to say it). 

I can't even talk about that beach day. Except to give a gold star to Christine (Caroline? Clarissa?), who chimed in with the day's most Obvious and Unnecessary Statement: "We're having fun playing around on the beach so far, but I don't think we came down here just to have fun." And...cue beach volleyball game. Also, apparently, cue Kristy breaking down into heaving sobs upon losing the game. Thought you were here for Sean, Kristy. Clearly you just wanted to win that volleyball game.

Best misuse of the word literally this episode - "This volleyball game where we are forced to compete for more time with Sean is literally my worst nightmare". Yes, many of us often wake up in cold sweats thinking about playing beach volleyball with a bunch of gals in matching neon bikinis where the prize is a group date with a Ken doll and only 6 other Barbies instead of 12. Actually, wait - is this show inspired by Matel? Every girl I knew had a shit load of Barbies and only one Ken. Who needs more than that? You can't change their outfits.

You totally called that Lindsay rose. Mainly because it was so dark where they were that he thought he was back with DC Lesley.

Also, I had no idea that girl's name was Lindsay. I have just been thinking of her as drunk wedding dress girl OR the poor man's DC Leslie.

I just...what is there to say that hasn't already been said about the Make-A-Wish date with Ashlee (I'm in protest against that capital L in her name, so I won't be capitalizing it)? For them to invite random disabled girls that had no relationship to Sean whatsoever on this date was at best awkward and at worst just downright mean. First, we had to endure the Tierrarist Attack in which Absolutely No One pushed Tierra down the stairs and we had to watch her plan for attention spiral out of control as medics were called and she was about to be taken to Cedars-Sinai (and presumably out of the competition) by helicopter. But we already know that Tierra's gonna be the Courtney of this season, so I won't even say much about her this week.

But then, after enduring all that (and by enduring, I mean Ashlee sits in the house while Sean and Tierra spoon out on the veranda), Sean and Ashlee finally get to Magic Mountain and have to spend the whole day terrified that they'll inadvertently kill one of these disabled girls on the roller coasters. I mean, I didn't even think they let you ride roller coasters if you very clearly and visually seemed to have something wrong...spinally. At a certain point, I didn't even know what I was watching. Looks like Ashlee set another world record...for Longest Time Spent Crashing the Date Sean's Having With Two Random Disabled Girls. You know it's bad when you're HOPING Sean will put Ashlee out of her misery and tell her it was another prank. "Gotcha! This girl doesn't actually have a debilitating skeletal disorder. She's actually an actress we hired, aren't you, Actress?" Also, what was the disparity between their injuries? One had spina bifida and the other had carpal tunnel.

Just kidding. DC Lesley doesn't even know the meaning of "earning a rose" when compared to Ashlee. Just...wow. That date had to get Ashlee all the way to week 6. At least.

OK OK, I have WAY TOO MUCH too say about this date where AshLee and Sean get to imagine what their life would look like were they to get married and have two disabled daughters...and because I have too much to say, I won't say anything much of anything because I'm sure everyone watching had a shit ton of their own thoughts, feelings, jokes, cringes, and just all around ickiness when they were taking those old time photos as a foursome.

I leave it to you to talk about Kacie B. As far as I'm concerned, the B is for Boring. Done with her. And apparently, so is Sean.

Kacie B, Kacie B, Kacie B - where do we start? What happened to you after Ben's season? Couldn't you have nursed that broken heart and then gotten back on the horse off camera? I promise that after Sean's two month engagement to (most likely) Tierra falls apart you could have easily convinced him to bone you at some Bachelor mixer. Why did you come back on this show? Now we all think you're crazy whereas last season we just thought your parents were crazy. Guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree for poor Kacie B.

I will say, Sean was a real class act not making her sit through that rose ceremony. He's a human. Who knew? And bringing Sarah's dog to visit her since she didn't get a date this week was also very sweet. And now I realize that Sean is super nice, will probably make a fine husband and is the type of person my mom was always pressuring me to 'give a chance' when I was single. To which I would reply, "I'm just not attracted to him! You can't force yourself to be attracted to someone!" Which is sadly what many of these otherwise intelligent women (looking at you DC Leslie) are attempting to do. Wait for the real thing, Leslie! You're better than this!

Didn't expect Robyn and Black Leslie to get their roses so soon. I'm pumped for next week, when he goes 2 for 2 with minority girl one-on-one dates. Love that Desiree, though. She and Sean are like giddy schoolchildren around each other.

As for the girls who got kicked off, not surprised. Taryn is 30...which means we're both 14, right? And Kristy reminded us that there is no crying in reality TV beach volleyball. Sayonara, ladies.

sean: week two

could he look more uncomfortable???

SA: I think Sarah (the girl with 1.5 arms) is really sweet. However, if you noticed when she got the first date card, no one in the house said anything bitchy like they usually do. They all just said bullshit things like, "she's so cute" "I love her" Does this mean that I am just as susceptible to the manipulation of ABC as these women and we all think the one armed girl is a saint because what else can we say about her? Probably. But also, she really does seem like a little darling. Side note: I would not have jumped off that building for all the money in the...oh wait they do not pay bachelor contestants.

JA: Fully agreed. Although I could really do without her and the cameramen reminding me every five seconds that she has one arm. I also thought her story about zip lining in Vegas with her dad and her dad saying "you need a guy who can support you during tough moments like these involving daredevil stunts" was a little...convenient. I'm like, Sarah, if we pull the transcript, I'm gonna bet he didn't actually say that.

SA: Here's the rub with Sarah -  she said she's looking for a life full of adventure and that's why she and her last bf broke up. I'm afraid she's barking up the wrong tree again with Sean. The closest he's ever come to adventure is going on a date with a girl with one arm. Unless she wants to spend the rest of her life playing with his niece in her large cottage, in which case - he's her guy!

JA: Yeah...I don't know how these girls are concluding that life with Sean is a thrill ride. Yes, a life with Sean that is subsidized by ABC and produced by television professionals with years of story editing experience is a thrill ride. But yeah. Other than that, you're stuck having tea parties with Kensington Paddington Waddington whatever her name is. (Still hating on that toddler cottage that's bigger than my apartment, though. Still haven't let that go.)

SA: On to the group date - I think it's a tad unfair to put the model on a modeling group date. It would be like if the date were seeing who was the best at operating jumbotrons, then that girl who got kicked off last week would be like, "yeah, I got this!" My other thought is that the model's agent set up this book cover deal for her months ago. Then there was a schedule conflict when she was cast on bachelor town and they said, fuck it - let's make it group date!

JA: Hahahahahaha once again, your explanation is the simplest, so Occam's Razor says it's right. I also think they stacked the deck against some of the girls. I mean, one of the categories was literally called "sexy." The historical and cowgirl ones weren't terribly unfair -- if you end up in one of those, it's up to you to make it work. But...vampire??? Note to producers: Amanda doesn't need anyone's help looking creepy and scary. Do you WANT her to go home?

SA: The political consultant is sups cute and seems like a real person except that their kiss was the most lifeless frog face I've ever seen.

JA: Oh that was so so tragic. Sean needs another lesson with Arie. I'm like, um, you're the Bachelor. You can't send signals to the girl that you "wouldn't mind" a kiss. You have to nut up and go in for it. I feel like this is the beginning of what we were worried would happen. The girls will be clueless as to whether or not Sean is actually into them. Also, as to whether or not Sean has a penis. (I'm lining up shot glasses for the night when our drinking game word is "connect.")

SA: I'm sad to see the yoga instructor with big hair leave, but it's good she's smart enough to realize that the bachelor mansion is about as far away from zen as it gets.

JA: Agreed. Although I am worried that the exotic birds of southern California will have a hard time now that their nest has gone home.

SA: Kacie B. whose career is listed as "Ben's Season", gets the rose for successfully getting out of the 'friend zone' with Sean. I think she watched Ben's season multiple times trying to figure out how she lost and now is doing her best Courtney impression. I loved Kacie on Ben's season but seeing her here makes me think her only requirement for a husband is having been the bachelor, because besides for being okay with public humiliation, Ben and Sean have NOTHING in common.

JA: Absolutely nothing. She's confirmed herself as the girl who will just marry any Bachelor. They should have one season where the Bachelor is actually just a large cantaloupe in a suit. Kacie will definitely be the last one to catch on. She'll be talking to the cantaloupe and flirting with it and bringing it home to meet her family and crying a lot when she feels like it's not connecting with her. (Just took a shot, btw....does it not work when I'm the one who says the drinking game word?)

SA: Desiree is adorable and I love how he calls her Des, but he didn't fool her for a second with the bad art prank. I think it's a little creepy how much Sean loves pranking women. It's like he never grew out of flirting elementary school style. Probably because he's as close to a virgin as a non virgin gets. She is my early favorite but I think we saw in a preview that she has a boyfriend at home so I'll try and not get too attached.

JA: Yeah, and the producers clearly love her too. She's the total package -- cute, funny, charming, very easy on the eyes, but still brings the drama with a boyfriend from back home. I feel like there's going to be so much fun to be had watching that episode that I'm literally salivating. You know, just like when Daniella said there was "literally a tornado of negativity in the house." I loved your comment about that, though: "Come on, Josh. Did you expect her to say there was 'figuratively' a tornado of negativity?" 

SA: I was gearing up for a really interesting conversation about race at the rose ceremony but then Sean just said, "I like black women" and that seemed to be enough to please Robyn, the oilfield account manager. We also learn Sean's last girlfriend was black and that his only requirement for a wife is that she's 'sweet' which is odd because he seems to like Terra the most and she's about as far from sweet as Campari.

JA: "Sweet" is not a requirement for a wife. "Sweet" is a requirement for how some people like their wine. As I said when we watched it, I thought it was a genius, near-Machiavellian move on Robyn's part to have that conversation. Because it trapped him completely and entirely. If he cut her after that, he would have looked like a total bigot. So she guaranteed that she's at least around for two more weeks. Very well played, Lady Backflip.

I just...can't get past my nagging suspicion that Sean did not have a black ex-girlfriend. I want to see her. I want to meet her. I want there to be an hour-long special on ABC called "The Bachelor: Sean's Black Ex-Girlfriend Tells All." And by hour-long, I mean forever-long. And I want Chris Harrison to take audience questions so I can put my one journalism class from college to good use. I'd ask tons of follow-ups. TONS.

Okay, now I'm going off the grid because I'll be spending the next several days testing the limits of Google's capacity with constant and merciless searches for Sean's Black Ex-Girlfriend (whom I'm henceforth calling SBEx. Makes it easier to tweet about her that way.)

Til next week friends...